There's No Going Back
by iheartCSI4326
Summary: Pain, the one thing Lindsay Monroe has learned to deal with. What she wasn't planning on, was dealing with Danny coming back into her life. [on temporary hiatus]
1. Remembering the Past

**Disclaimer: **Danny and Lindsay aren't mine, and as sad as that is... with my crazy mind they are probably safer not being mine :Evil Smile:... All things related to 'CSI:NY ' Are property of CBS and the creators, producers, screenwriters.

**Genre: **Angst, Romance.

**Rating: **T.

**Pairing(s): **D/L (When do i never have D/L, huh? yeah that's what i thought... bahahaa LOL)

**Summary: **Lindsay is forced to go back to New York... That includes facing Danny again and re-living the pain that he caused her that night she said goodbye.

**Spoiler(s): **Season 2 maybe.

**A/N: **I know, I know.. some part to this has been done (kinda) before but I had this idea stuck in my head and I didn't want to waste it. Sorry about all the angst lol I never knew I had it in me (Hmm maybe I did hehe) Hope you like it.

**Where I Get All Emotional and Start Thanking the World: (LOL!)**

Thanks to **_mj0621_ **&** _tv freak 92_ **for being my friends and helping me out when my brain is completely useless :) Thanks to my other IMing, FFnet friends: **_Chelliya_**, **_BigMelinaFan_**.

Thanks to **_alltheglitters_** for being a such an inspiration, I swear if I didn't have fics written by writers like you to read... I would be nowhere! ROFL. (That goes for all the writers in my favorites list lol, you too mj:D)

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 1::: "Remembering the Past."**

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Lindsay's POV

I'm sitting here in my apartment on the couch, in the dark at god knows what time. My hair is knotted and is in severe need of a wash. My cheeks are stained with mascara dried tears and I have enough tissues around me to size up to about the same amount of trees in the entire amazon.

I have been sitting here for awhile but I don't know how long. Could be hours, days, months... Sometimes it feels like minutes, seconds even.

I cried like the world had ended, when in fact _my_ world kinda had... Now though there are no tears, I feel nothing.

I can't eat, for I feel if I do I will bring it back up as if every taste that could touch my mouth is made of fire.

I can't think for if I do I will go through all of it again like the horrible nightmare it is.

I can't sleep cause if I do I will probably never wake, why would I?... what have I got to look forward too, cherish? embrace in life?.. nothing.

I can't cry anymore cause if I so much as feel the pain and hurt it will be too much to handle that my heart will break, as will my spirit and my mind.

And if I still want to even have a job I can't lose that.

All I can hear is silence... that is slowly choking me. I want to grab a pillow and cover up my ears to stop the ringing in my ears from the events earlier...

End of Lindsay's POV

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_**FLASHBACK**_

_"How could you?!" Lindsay yelled trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall._

_Danny looked away, "What's it to you?, you have no control over my life, what I do." He replied._

_"What's it to me?!" Lindsay said, her anger steadily raising as to cover her pain. "Everything is a joke to you isn't it, you don't take any time to think about anyone other than you, do you?" She yelled._

_"That is not true." He yelled back._

_"Oh that's right, stupid me. I'm just the dumb hick from Montana. Sorry I forget easily... It's all about poor Danny, Danny's brother died... Oh imagine what he must be going through, forget that he de died protecting him cause Danny is much more important. Forget that I'm hurting, that you've broken my heart like it's nothing... No, we are going to forget all that cause we have to worry about Danny Messer." She yelled at him._

_Danny snapped, "So... What? Your more important? You don't have any idea what pain is... You haven't had to suffer though anything in your whole life cause your Lindsay Monroe, sweet little innocent country girl with some big scary dark secret past. Well guess what! Nobody cares, people deal with it and move on. So don't get all upset because you've finally found out not every guy is prince charming." He said back with his voice raising._

_Lindsay slapped him, "Get out." She yelled. Danny glared at her. "Get the hell out of my apartment, and my life while you're at it." She said pointing to the door._

_Danny stood there and was going to say something right back when she stopped him, "Get out." She repeated, yelling this time._

_Danny threw his hands in the air. "Fine, you want me gone. I'm gone." He grabbed his jacket and opened the door, he opened his mouth._

_"Save it, you have nothing I want to hear." She said glaring._

_He walked out and slammed the door behind him._

_Lindsay jumped and stood staring at the closed door. She felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest._

_Lindsay coughed as she choked back her sobs. She slid to the floor and curled up into a ball and let her tears fall. She cried until she finally surrendered to sleep._

_**END FLASHBACK.**_

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Lindsay closed her eyes and let out a deep breath as the sound of the slamming door echoed in her head. She swallowed in an attempt to stop her emotions from causing her too breakdown.

Letting out another breath she gripped the edge of the couch nervously and nodded. Her mind was made up. She was going to do it and no-one was going to stop her... Not even him.

Getting up slowly she steadied her legs and walked down the hall and into her bedroom.

Opening her closet she reached into the back trying to find what she was looking for. She grabbed it and pulled it out. She blew the dust from the top of it off. Holding it again made a flood of emotions run through her as the feeling came over her, the feeling she though she had put behind her... The feeling to runaway.

Lifting the suitcase onto the bed she started packing.

_Fifteen minutes later..._

Lindsay pulled her badge off it's place on her belt and placed it on the side table near the door. Sitting there also was a photo frame.

Her and Danny in the local bar with the rest of the team. The picture was taken the first week they had started dating. He had his arm around her and a smiling a goofy smile, and she was giggling as he whispered something in her ear.

Lindsay glanced at the photo and felt her throat tighten with despair, they looked so... So happy, like they were going to live happily ever after, just like she had dreamed as a little girl...

But they weren't and they never would, whatever they had was gone, lost, shattered into millions of heartbreaking pieces. She stared at his eyes and brown mixed with blue once more.

She glanced once more, "Good bye Danny." She said silently before picking up her suitcase and opening the door and walking out.

_'It's over'_ She thought as she stood outside her former home in the rain. The rain drops soaked into her clothes but she didn't care...

She was numb, all the feeling gone, for if she ever did feel again then there would be no going back.

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**Three and a Half Years Later, Philadelphia.**

Lindsay woke up when she heard little foot steps come into her bedroom.

"Mommy." came a little voice.

"What's wrong sweetie? Couldn't sleep?" Lindsay asked as she sat up.

The little girl shook her head in the dark.

"Come on, hop in here." Lindsay said pulling back the duvet and patting next to her.

The little girl climbed in and snuggled into her. Lindsay kissed the top of her daughters forehead as the child went back off to sleep..

Lindsay lay awake starring out the window, her thoughts wandered to someone she had not though about in a long time... _Danny._

No that was not true, she thought about Danny every time she looked at Megan... their child, a part of Lindsay and Danny that they had created together.

Megan who would be turning four in October was alot like Danny other than her curly hair and Lindsay was sure that if she had stayed in New York Megan would talk like Danny too.

Lindsay smiled as she remembered the sound of Danny's _'Hows it goin'_ or _'Hey Montana'.. _Oh how she missed that annoying name when he said it in his thick New York accent and that cheeky lop-sided grin.

She shook her head, trying to shake him out of her thoughts in the process.

Megan was growing more and more like him every day so matter how hard Lindsay tried to banish him from her mind just one look at Megan and there he was. Every time she smiled, every time she laughed, every time she got angry, every time she got confused and got a wrinkle in her brow she saw Danny.

Lindsay cried herself to sleep holding the her child of a man that had broke her heart.

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Danny woke up and sat bolt upright, breathing heavily. The nightmares had returned, always the same one:

_He is in a dark room that looked allot like and interrogation room, he looks around and sees a coffin lying on the table... He opens it to reveal Louie lying there dead... He hears a voice and turns around to see Lindsay standing there shaking her head "What have you done?" She says, with tears running down her face... Blood tears, he looks down at a picture frame he is holding, a picture of him and Lindsay... It bursts into flame... _And he wakes up with sweat dripping off his face.

Danny looked at the clock and sighed. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed he got up and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

_**TBC**_

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So... what do all ya'll think eh? I know it's very depressing compared to my other stuff. :) I might take me awhile to update this since my angst seems to come and go as it pleases, much to my annoyance... I will try though.

Oh I typed this up at about :looks at clock: eeeek 5 in the morning... after not having even slept! blegh I'm gonna feel like crap tomorrow... well anyway since this was edited then please excuse the spelling, punctuation errors that might very well be in here somewhere ROFL.

Read and Review! (please, imao)

xxxo Lila


	2. The Way Things Are Now

**Disclaimer: **Hmm let me see... anything new on the disclaimer front? Uh nope.. unless I get a very exciting phone call from a salesperson selling the cast... but hey never gonna happen. The song doesn't belong to me.

**(Note:** for real and disclaimer go and read fics written by sane writers okay.

**A/N: **As always, but need I remind you?, ah what the heck.. all the mistakes are in fact mine. Nope you can't have any. ROFL.

Just so all of you know I HATE Avril Lavigne. But the song fits so...:rolls eyes: the things I do for my ships.

I tried ALOT to get all the angst in me to write this chappie.. so hope you like this. xxo I know it isn't long but still I tried.

Read & Review.

And so, we continue this beautiful journey, oh jeez I need sleep. Ahahaha :P

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 2::: "The Way Things Are Now."**

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_I looked away_

_Then I look back at you_

_You try to say_

_The things that you can't undo_

_If I had my way_

_I'd never get over you_

_Today's the day_

_I pray that we make it through_

_Make it through the fall_

_Make it through it all_

_And I don't wanna fall to pieces_

_I just want to sit and stare at you_

_I don't want to talk about it_

_And I don't want a conversation_

_I just want to cry in front of you_

_I don't want to talk about it_

_Cuz I'm in Love With you_

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Danny walked into NYPD with a dark cloud glooming over him. The nightmares had drained all of his energy, now he felt empty... alone.

Things were never the same after he went to her apartment that day three and a half years ago and found her gone. He had lost all hope of anything, life seemed faded to him now... all the color was gone now there wasn't even black and white... just a depressing gray haze.

Danny Messer had never thought that one day he would of fallen in love, want to be with one woman so much that it hurt. But when he had found Lindsay that all had changed. Now he had lost her... possibly forever.

"Hey Danny." Stella greeted with her usual cheery smile.

Danny nodded, "Hey." No smile though, that was something he rarely let himself be privileged to.

The whole team had come to terms that the joking, cocky... sum what over confident Danny was permanently replaced by the man that he was now, private, quiet, distant and focused.

He went in each day got the cases closed and went home, nothing more.. nothing less. It was his life, and he was dealing with it.. maybe badly but when the person that makes you complete is gone you are bound to feel like your missing something, right?.

Danny walked into the break-room and sat down in a chair facing the window. It was at times like this when there was no cases, nothing else to focus on that he hated cause it meant he was aloud to think, feel, hurt. Taking off his glasses he let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, only that made it worse.

He had trouble sleeping because of the nightmares but also because every time he closed his eyes he saw Lindsay. Not smiling as he would want more than anything, no crying and the look of hurt that stuck with him even now.

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Lindsay may of had problems with sleeping and all her emotions over her past with Danny... past, as in past-tense.. a thing that she reminded herself everyday.

She may of had problems with it all but she got through the day, she had to for her sake and for her daughter, Megan depended on her, so she got through the day anyway even if each hour, minute was as though she was being slowly drowned in her emotions of hurt.. and as much as she hated it.. love. Lindsay hated it, but she hated herself more for putting herself through it.

Lindsay looked at herself in the mirror and looked at the person staring back at her. Who was she? What happened to the Lindsay Monroe that used to wake up with a smile on her face at the thought of a new day. How things were different now.

"Mommy! Mommy! Time to go!" Megan said happily bounding into the room with her Barbie lunch bag in her hand, ready for her first day of nursery.

Lindsay broke out of her self pity and looked over at her and smiled. The one thing that could make her smile was Megan... Megan was all she needed to get through it all, pain or no pain.

"Come on then, don't want to be late." Lindsay said taking Megan's hand in hers.

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Danny ducked under the yellow crime scene tape and walked over to yet another dead body. Flack gave him a wave, Danny nodded as a reply. Flack had noticed the change more than anyone, they no longer went out for beers... watched the game. Sure they were still friends but Danny didn't talk to him anymore, didn't show any emotion if he could help it.

Flack knew that nothing could fix what was wrong with Danny, when it had first happened he thought maybe Lindsay could... but now? Was Danny to far gone to come back?.

"Vic's Dale Harris, 45. Lawyer for Harris, Ryson and Conan. Found by a woman walking home on her way from work. No-one heard anything. I'm looking into family now." Flack said as Danny opened his kit.

Danny nodded, "Okay." The information was going through to him but really it was just words, like a puzzle that you've done so many times that you know what to expect and there for it has no excitement or mystery to it.

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After closing the case nearly 23 hours later Danny sat in the locker room staring at the locker. He knew that if he went home he'd just go through everything all over again. Going to a bar was a bad idea, getting drunk was the last thing he wanted to do.

Danny's eyes wandered over to one locker in particular... now empty and belonging to no-one, anyone else looking at it wouldn't of though of anything... but to him it held happiness and memories.

_"Yo Montana." Danny said coming in next to her._

_Lindsay jumped, "God Danny don't scare me like that." She said smiling._

_"Hmm maybe I should make it up to you." He said pulling her closer to him._

_"Danny! we are at work, Mac could walk in!" She protested._

_"Don't care." He replied pinning her up against her locker._

_"You never do." She said with a smirk as he leant down to kiss her._

Danny leant his head on his hands and let out a breath. He had no idea what to do with his life anymore. How did he get to this?. While Danny was battling against himself and his emotions that were inevitable, two onlookers from outside were discussing it.

"This has to stop." Stella said with a sigh.

"It's been like this for three years Stel, there's no changing him now... not after what happened." Flack said as they looked through the door way of the locker room from down the hall.

"I can't stand it though, I mean the first year was understandable... but he can't do this to himself, if he goes any further into himself we'll lose him for good." She said frowning slightly at the possibility.

"I know, but still what can we do?" Flack replied.

Stella shook her head. "Thats why I'm scared, there isn't anything we can do." She said in defeat.

Flack sighed, "It's been a long day, we may as-well go home."

"Yeah I suppose. Night Don." Stella said giving him a gently pat on his shoulder and heading over to Mac's office.

"Night." He replied as she walked off. Sighing again he walked toward the locker room and knocked on the door-frame. "Hey Dan."

Danny looked up, "Hey." He answered tiredly.

Flack walked over to him and put a hand on Danny's shoulder. "How you holding up?" He asked.

Danny sighed. Lying was no use, why bother lying anymore... he was lying himself as it was. And lying is what had started it all to begin with. "Like the guy lying in the morgue... I'm definitely not alive, just breathing." Danny said staring at the floor.

Flack nodded and sat next to him, "Do you think it'll ever change?" He asked.

Danny shrugged. "I don't know how I got to this, and I don't know how to get out of something that I have no idea what it even is."

"Heartbreak."

"Huh?"

Flack stared at the floor, "It's something that never goes away." He replied.

Danny looked at him, "Then why do I bother even thinking about it?" He asked.

"Because you hope that one day things will change... but it doesn't."

Danny hung his head as the emotions finally caught up with him after what he was feeling were put into words. And he let tears fall. Flack sat there next to him silently and patted the CSI's back.

He knew that Danny would have to crack sometime... but wether or not things would be better afterward he wasn't sure, and he had a bad feeling things were going to change... like something was nearing. And he didn't like it.

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Lindsay picked up her purse and opened her front door when the house phone started to ring. She sighed and closed the door and ran over to the phone, she was going to be late picking up Megan from her friend's birthday party.

"Hello?" Lindsay said picking it up.

"Ms. Monroe?"

Lindsay frowned as the tone of the person on the other end, there was a similar tone that in her former profession had been used alot, she had even used it herself at times.

"Yes this is Ms. Lindsay Monroe, can I help you?" She asked placing her purse on the side table next to the phone.

"This is Detective Porter, you daughter has gone missing... suspected kidnapping."

**TBC::::**

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Mwhahahaha I'm evil hehehe. ROFL. :P What did you think?..let me know people.

xxxo Lila


	3. Forcing Change

**Disclaimer: **Why is this even necessary? oh right, well i don't want to get sued so um they aren't mine ;) Song belongs to the talented Anna Nalick.

**A/N: **Thank all of you that reviewed!

Oh I know the title, totally random right? ahahaha.

So here ya go...

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 3::: "Forcing Change."**

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'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

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Lindsay dropped the phone and gripped onto the table as her head spun.

_"Hello, Ms. Monroe?" _Came from the abandoned phone.

'Missing, suspected kidnapping' Rang in her ears. Lindsay lost the feeling in her legs and her vision blurred as she slid to the floor.

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Danny shut the door of his apartment. He looked around the empty apartment and sighed; and hung up his jacket. He walked into the kitchen and placed the pizza he had got on the way home on the counter.

He got a plate with a couple of pizza slices and a light beer and sat in-front of the TV. He turned it on and took a sip of his beer as the news came on.

_'It seems the sudden disappearance of children this last week has yet again risen. There have been reports of a young girl between the ages of 3 and 5 gone missing in Philadelphia just this afternoon. We'll have more details on the id of the latest victim soon.'_

Danny frowned and turned it off, as if he didn't have to deal with that kind of stuff enough every day at work. Putting his beer down he walked out to the hall closet. After some searching he pulled out a cardboard box, sat on the floor and opened the lid.

He stared into the box at the piles of photos and memories. On the top was a picture of them last Christmas, Lindsay was in her lab coat with a santa hat on. He smiled and traced the outline of her face. 'Amazingly beautiful.' He thought.

Danny sat there for half the night going through each moment, smile, look that they had shared to the point when he couldn't stay awake any longer. He gave a yawn and put the box away. As he got up he realized that, that had been the first time that he had smiled in a very long time. He shook his head. Even now Montana brought a smile to his face and lightened up some of his most crappy days.. but in this case crappy years.

He knew that one day he would have to put her behind him and move on. But if the only way he could still love her was to stay heartbroken and miserable then he would. Because loving Lindsay Monroe was like finding a rare gem stone, it's so precious that you know you shouldn't want it and it should be where it belongs yet it has you in such trance that you can't bring yourself to let go.

Danny smiled. Since when did he think pain was worth it for a girl?.

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Lindsay had been unconscious for about fifteen minutes when she finally came to. Her eyes fluttered open only to instantly squeeze them shut tight as her tears built up to the edge of pouring out; And the reality of the situation hit her like a slap to the face.

Unsteadily she pulled herself up and looked at the phone that lay off the receiver on the table, the phone call that had made her whole world stop. All she knew...if it hadn't fallen three years ago, was now falling right in-front of her... and it wasn't falling nicely, it was crashing at full speed and bursting into flame right before her.

Lindsay wanted to scream, yell, shout, cry... anything. But all of emotions were replaced by fear. She ran to the bathroom as her nerves got to her and she threw up into the sink. Clenching her hands on the sides of the basin she took a deep breath in, but as she breathed out; sobs came too.

She fell to the floor and leant on the bath panel. "Why?! Why?" She repeated over and over again to herself as if saying it out loud would give her the answer she was looking for, even though she had no idea what the answer to it was. Why Megan? Why so many things?. Lindsay sat there in silence as she tried to think of anything rational.

Slowly she got up and made her way out and down the hall. Picking up her purse and jacket she opened the side cupboard draw and pulled out a file. Opening, closing and locking the door she got into her car and sat there for a moment.

'What if they never find her?' She thought to herself as she grasped onto the steering wheel. Having once been a cop and CSI she knew the possibility of Megan turning up dead, lying lifeless on a metal tray in a morgue somewhere. Lindsay shakily put her hand to her forehead and took some more breaths, 'In and out, in and out' She continued to say to herself silently as she felt her anxiety lower and her pulse slow down.

Putting the keys in the ignition she placed her hands on the steering wheel with more confidence. Megan may be missing but Lindsay was still determined to stay strong for her, cause right now if Lindsay wasn't strong for her then Lindsay herself was bound to give up on living. No, as long as Lindsay pushed through all of the difficulties thrown at her then things were at-least stable... for now.

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Lindsay stood outside of the Philadelphia police station as she tried to get the courage to go in. She tilted her head back and stared at the sky and breathed out. Tucking her hair behind her ears nervously she held onto the door handle and walked in.

Moving out of the way of the chaos of criminals, prostitutes and drug dealers; she went over to the front desk. A man in his fifties sat behind it reading the paper, he had probably been working here since the early days.

Lindsay cleared her throat to catch his attention. Looking up from over the paper he put it down and gave her a smile, "Hello Miss, may I help you?" He asked kindly.

Lindsay bit her tongue, she didn't want to be pitied or worse be talked to sympathetically. "I'm looking for Detective Porter." She asked calmly.

He nodded, "Over there at the back." He replied pointing though all the people.

"Thanks." She replied with a small smile of appreciation. Lindsay stomach was churning and she wished this was all a dream, a horrible, horrible, dream.

Walking up to the desk she tried her best to seem together even though inside she was falling into pieces. "Detective Porter?" She asked.

He looked up from his file, "Yes?"

"I... uh, Lindsay Monroe." She replied holding out her hand.

He shook it and nodded, "Well, thank you for coming in. I'm sorry th-"

Lindsay put up her hand, "Spare me the cop sympathy talk and tell me what the hell is going on." She said irritated. Sighing she sat down in-front of his desk. "I'm sorry it's just.."

"It's okay, perfectly reasonable. I'm sorry, I know you were once a cop yourself so I apologize for talking to you like a normal victim's.. I uh mean-" He rubbed his fore head.

Lindsay swallowed the notion to cry, "It's fine, I know, I have to consider the fact that she... that she might-" She gave up and burst into tears.

After a couple of minutes Lindsay had composed herself enough to speak, "So... what do you know so far?" She asked gratefully taking the tissue he was handing her.

"Mrs.." He looked at the file, "Mrs Freeman?"

"Kalleigh's mother, it was her birthday party."

"Okay, well Mrs Freeman picked your daughter up from the Happleton Nursery at around 17:33 the two children were playing in the backyard when she came out to find her gone." He told her and finished by crossing his hands on his desk.

"Gone... just gone? no evidence of anything?" She asked with a frown.

"Drag marks, nothing else." He answered solemnly with a sigh.

She nodded, "Okay..." Even though everything was not okay, far from it. Her daughter was missing with no evidence as to where she was. And she couldn't do anything about it, worse than all of it... she was alone. Even though she refused to think about it, there was a good chance that they would never find her and then Lindsay would be alone forever. She closed her eyes and breathed in and out.

"Miss Monroe? are you okay? can I get you some water?"

She shook her head and opened her eyes, "No.. I have to do this, for Megan." She said determined.

He nodded in understanding, "I only have one more question then all we really can do is wait... if the kidnapper wants ransom that is. Is there anyone you would like me to call for you?" He asked.

Lindsay looked at him, "No, no-one." How empty that sounded she thought. Being alone is like a disease, it slowly kills all your emotions until you are an empty shell, with nothing to hope for or love... because now, no-one loved her... and there was nothing she could do, her daughter might be dead and there was absolutely nothing to stop it. Lindsay blinked rapidly as her brain clouded over and she felt herself disappear into her pain of loss.

"Megan's father?" Was not the thing she needed to be said right now.

Lindsay snapped out of it and looked at the detective, "Megan's father.." He repeated.

Lindsay bit her lip and held her tears in, "He's dead to me." She said simply with no emotion.

Porter looked at her for a second and decided to leave it alone, "Alright, I have some paperwork for you to fill out."

Lindsay sat there for the next couple of hours nodding and answering questions, even though she wasn't really there... someone else was making her mind respond to things around her because when she had got that phone call there was no Lindsay Monroe... at-least not the Lindsay Monroe that was a feeling, living person... just the woman who had lost her daughter, life, heart and now sanity along with it.

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Danny moved around in his sleep as the sound of his cell started to wake him up. Groaning into the pillow he lifted his head and looked at the clock. 4:23 the clock blinked. Sighing he answered the phone.

"Messer."

_"Sorry wake you Danny, we have a DOA at 43rd and west."_

"Okay Mac i'll be there in twenty." Danny replied before clicking the phone shut. He buried his head in the pillow and breathed for a second before dragging himself out of bed.

----

Lindsay stared out of the car window and out at the road, she had been driving for hours... not going anywhere. Nowhere, just driving... and driving. She in-took a breath as a light blinded her and she lost control of the steering wheel... the car skidded off the road...

----

Danny splashed water on his face and looked into the mirror. He frowned, something was wrong, he could feel it.

----

The car sat there off the side of the road, ambulance sirens rang in the air. Lindsay lay in the car, not breathing... blood covered the window.

----

Danny walked to the door when his phone rang. Sighing he picked it up.

"Hello?"

_"Mr. Messer."_

"Yea'."

_"This is Philadelphia hospital... we have a Lindsay Monroe here, she was involved in a car collision... she lost alot of blood, and she's in surgery. The Detective on the case of her missing daughter found your name in her file... Mr. Messer?"_

'Lindsay? Hospital? Daughter?' Danny stood there and felt everything freeze in place, his heart stopped... would there be any going back from this? Could this be the end?.

He wasn't losing her... not again.

**TBC:::**

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Um... I think I am going to cry... please don't hate me! I uh... didn't mean to do this, really.. it kinda happened. But I assure you she is NOT going to die... just so thats clear. Um... I am sooooooooo sorry if I upset any of you.

Well... um... till the next chapter then... uh... yeah... okay... I'm going to say bye for now...

Lila xxo


	4. Everything Has Gone Wrong

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, last time I checked..whaaaaaaaaaaaa. ROFL. Song belongs to Anna Nalick. hehe, I am kinda addicted to her songs :P

**A/N: **OMG the reviews you guys (girls) are giving me are so awesome so thank ya'll for reviewing and not killing me for doing that to Lindsay LOL.

I wanna thank **_tv freak 92_** for cheering me up after I wrote the last chapter and for convincing me not to delete it and start again. Imao.

I would of written this sooner but it was the last day of theater school on sunday, until the new year... and I was soooo tired after, it was complete madness :P And then there was alot more I had to put into this chapter and my angst completely abandoned me after I read really fluffy D/L Christmas fics, damn the fluffy fics LMAO. Sorry for the long A/N... well here ya go...

All Mistakes are mine...

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 4::: "Everything Has Gone Wrong."**

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_Driving away from the wreck of the day_

_And the light's always red in the rear-view_

_Desperately close to a coffin of hope_

_I'd cheat destiny just to be near you_

_If this is giving up, then I'm giving up_

_If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up_

_On love, On love_

_Driving away from the wreck of the day_

_And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus_

_'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love_

_I'm just falling to pieces_

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In all of his life nothing he had learnt could of prepared him for that moment.

Without thinking he walked out of the door and got in his car, even though Philadelphia was about 93 miles away, he would have traveled anywhere... All that mattered was that he was with her.

Staring out of the car window all Danny could hear or remember was the day when he had ruined everything. He knew that it should of never happened, why he had done it... Even now he didn't know, and that hurt the most. Danny stopped at a red light and felt tears run down his face... What if she doesn't make it? Was the one question circling his mind.

Danny Messer had always been known as a player, one of 'those' guys. The ones that have a new girl every week. But when he had met Lindsay he was willing, no wanted to give that up... he wanted to spend every waking moment with her, birthdays, christmases,... He had even wanted to have a family with her. White picket fence and all.

When he had asked her to marry him, half of him was nervous the other half was so excited that he felt as though he was going to explode... But then after what he had done that his heart _did_ explode. What had happened was so much like a soap, a player kinda guy finds a girl that he wants to marry, he proposes... Then he goes and sleeps with some random girl.

Danny breathed out. He had no reason to do what he had done other than he was scared, of what? Marriage? No because it was Lindsay he was marrying. Then what?. And that was what had made him give up on everything, life, love, and feeling. Because there was no answer for why he had done it, he just had. And now Lindsay was sitting in a hospital possibly dying... And he wasn't there, even though he was going there now, he would never be _there_. He had lost that when he broke her heart. Danny hated himself for breaking her heart, he loved her so much that when that happened his heart broke as-well... And after that everything fell apart.

He knew what he was like now, that there was no happiness, but he couldn't bring himself to be happy because he had lost the one person that had made his heart happy, and his soul. Danny was never much of a religious person, but right now he was praying that she wouldn't die. Because she couldn't give up, and he couldn't take it if she left him again.

Danny watched as it started to rain, drops of pure, clear water washing away the dirt of life, but his guilt, hurt, pain was not something that could be washed away, the only thing capable of that was currently, and he hoped, fighting for her life.

Danny stopped thinking for a second and replayed the phone call in his head, he just sat there, 'Daughter'?... who's?... Lindsay was a mother?... How old was she? Was Lindsay married now?. Danny's throat tightened at the thought, he couldn't handle it if she was, even though he had no choice in it, it still hurt him to know that he had once gotten so close to having her forever only to lose her. And now she could possibly be someone-else's.

Then something went through his mind. What if Lindsay's daughter was his?. Danny didn't know what that would mean. After all he had done to her would she let him back into her life?. When he got to the hospital what was he going to do if she woke up?.

Danny pulled over on the high way, he leant his head back on the head rest and breathed for a minute, what was he going to do?. Was any of this fixable?. He had so many questions that his head was a load of blurred thoughts. How could he fix it?. Would he ever be aloud to love Lindsay again?

Why had everything gone wrong in the first place?.

Would Lindsay live?.

Danny decided that the only thing he could do was be there, wether that meant that all of their past would resurface and the pain to be re-lived. He was was going to do it, because he was not giving up on what he felt for her, love like this was not something he was going to throw away lightly. He didn't care if Lindsay woke up from all of this and wanted him to leave, he wasn't walking away from her this time, because she may want him gone but he wasn't going anywhere, not this time.

Because she was the only thing he had been living for all this time, she was the only reason he got up in the morning, she was the only reason he hadn't lost his mind, she was the only person that could bring him out of the emotional hell he had been living in for three years. One look at her and he was willing to do anything, if she wanted to know why he had done it, then he would figure it out... If she wanted a reason for him breaking her heart, then he would try and find one.

Putting his hands back on the steering wheel he drove back onto the highway and toward what would decide what was going to happen with his heart.

Everything may have fallen to pieces, hearts broken, state of minds destroyed... But this day was the day when he was going to sort it out.. Every last.. Painful thing. Because it was Lindsay... Lindsay Monroe, the country girl who he had fallen for and fallen hard. He had fallen in love with her, her smile, the way she laughed, the way she even drank her coffee.

He couldn't remember the actual time when he had stopped dating and just wanted to spend time with his partner out of work, because love is something that is there, it just takes awhile to notice that, that is what is happening. Cause it was true.. he had woken up one day and there it was, he was in love with Lindsay Monroe. After that revelation he wasn't sure how to act around her, he suddenly got nervous and bumbling around her, he 100 lost his cool. And the confidence that he had always had around women went flying out the window.

He spent the whole drive going over each thing about it, each single thing. Their first date, first kiss, first time he had told her he loved her and the look on her face, the way her eyes lit up and she had thrown herself in his arms and told him that she loved him too. What an amazing feeling that was to him, having her love him.

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Hours later and a load of stops at gas stations, and enough coffee to keep him awake for four weeks straight. Danny walked up to the entrance of the hospital, nurses and doctors rushing in and out, saving their patience's life's. He stood their much like Lindsay had done earlier at the police station, only with him, he was sure this was happening because nothing was more real to him than pain.

The rain had subsided a few minutes before; leaving only a clear, sharp, ice wind blowing over him, the cold was to him signifying that things needed to be fixed, resolved. He looked into the emergency room as the doors opened and yet another dying person was wheeled in, his heart had glued his feet to the ground.. emotions rooting him deep into the pavement. But his mind took over as he stepped through the doors and walked over to the front desk.

A stern older lady stood next to a woman in her 30's who had both a look of seriousness yet somehow a unspoken calmness. She turned and saw him standing there, she silently saddened, it was always the same look on their faces when they walked into the ER, so many questions and emotions being held in because of their worry over their loved ones. Many nights had she looked into the family waiting room and watched once strong men cry as the reality of nearly, or actually losing those dear to them. She has once felt it herself, having being orphaned at age 12 when both her parents were killed in-front of her in a shoot out.

Being a nurse she had the ability to both heal and treat the victims, and still help the ones that are there or left behind after they have gone. Tucking her dark red curls behind her ears she walked up to Danny and started the process of it once again, yet something in his eyes was different, something she had not seen in that of the patience's loved ones... he had a look of both loss and worry and such a strong sense of pain and hurt she had to look away at the intensity so she could focus.

Closing the chart in her hand she placed it back in-between the others, back in it's place. "Can't I help you?" She asked gently but with authority.

Danny looked at the slightly older woman and eased a little just from her tone and presence, _'must be something they learn in med-school.'_ He thought. even though it was something that not every nurse was born to do, it was the one thing that either broke you or made you a truly talented and amazing nurse.

"I.. uh-" He sighed and took a deep breath as he ran his hands through his hair.

She waited patiently, knowing the courage it took to come to terms with situations like these was one thing but to say it out loud and set it in stone so to speak was alot harder than so was thought.

"I.. you have a Lindsay Monroe, here?." He asked trying to keep the tears that were there at bay until he knew she was okay.

She looked down at the computer screen in-front of her and clicked a few buttons. Looking back up at him, she held in a sigh, knowing what she was going to tell him may be not as hopeful as she would have liked. In this line of work there were rarely good days, just rare special moments that last a blink of an eye before they are gone just as quick as they came.

"She had alot of internal injures, the surgeons did everything possible..." She started, seeing his face pale she decided to continue before he passed out from the shock, "... She made it out of surgery and is fine..." As the words came out of her mouth the effect was almost instant, he let out a deep breath that she was surprised he had held in for so long before he cut off his air flow. ".. However,"

Danny looked at her but not in fear, he had lost that the moment he had decided to walk through the ER doors, no instead it was desperation.. not for himself but that she could live.. just live, that was all that he wanted, was just for her to be alive and breathing.. even if he could never be with her.

".. Due to the extent of her injures, I'm sorry to tell you that she is in a coma, the doctors are hopeful, and there doesn't seem to be any obvious signs of brain damage, but I'm sure the doctors can tell you more." She told him as she made her way around to the front of the desk to stand in-front of him.

Before he had even opened his mouth she knew what he was going to say but she let him say it anyway because he was going to have to deal with this in his own way, and at his own pace. "Can I see her?"

She nodded, "Follow me."

Danny was scared to follow but their was a pulling force that made him move and follow her down the hospital halls and to the front of a hospital room door. She stopped and looked at him, "You can go in, I am going to send the doctor in to talk to you in a minute, right now I'll leave you alone with her." She said placing her hand on the door handle.

Danny had, had his eyes on the floor since they had started to walk, slowly lifting his head he looked at her. "Can... she.. uh-"

She smiled warmly, "She can hear you, the doctors are sure that her coma is not a severe one, but at the moment she just got out of surgery so she's still on alot of morphine, so it may take awhile for her to come around."

"Uh-"

"But you _can_ still talk to her." She replied opening the door.

Danny stood in the doorway and looked over at the hospital bed at Lindsay, and just stared. She was so breathtaking even now in a hospital bed with wires all over her and bruises and cuts to her face.

The nurse looked at Lindsay then and Danny and she knew, something was between them, one thing she could tell for sure... was that whatever happened those two would get though it, because true love is something that is a whole lot better than odds and fate.

Danny slowly walked in, one step at a time. She smiled and closed the door behind her, shaking her head, why was it always the ones that deserved to be truly happy that ended up with so much hurt both emotionally and mentally. Her boss the stern older lady glanced side-ways at her. She cleared her thoughts and mind for the moment and went back to work, the ER didn't make time for peoples feelings or pain just the work, _'all part of being a nurse, the good the bad, the bloody and the wounded.'_ Her thoughts were broken by the entrance doors swinging open.

"Male, 23 found shot in his home... bullet lodged in his abdomen, BP's 40 over 80." The paramedic continued to detail them on the patient, and once again it was back into it.

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Danny walked over to the hospital bed just looking at her lying there. He worked up enough courage to stand right next to her. The faint sounds of the hospital monitors was all that filled the room, not that he noticed, he had spent so much time in the hospital when Louie was in a coma and again before he died that the sound now just washed into the background.

He took the nearest chair and pulled it over next to her, sitting down he shakily put his hand on top of hers, sudden relief rushed over him... he knew it would be a long time before things were ever sorted and fine, but right now.. at this moment, he was satisfied... this was enough.

Danny took his other hand and cupped her cheek, gently stroking it as the tears that he had from the fear of nearly losing her finally came.

He swallowed and placed a kiss on her forehead, "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." If this was another time he would have laughed because he knew exactly what she would say, always so stubborn, not that it mattered because it was everything even those things that made him love her more. He sat their, her hand in his for the rest of the night until he fell asleep with his head resting on the bed.

He was there, with Lindsay... for now that was all he needed.

**TBC:::**

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I know nothing about medical terms even though I watch Grey's Anatomy and I've watched ER with my mum so many times I've lost count. LOL So I'm sorry if those parts were completely wrong. Hehe wouldn't it be funny if BP 40 over 80 was actually dead... :rolls eyes:

Anyways...

Thank you all for your support, it means alot.

I think I may finally know how to get the angst in me to work when I need it too. ROFL.

**xxxo** **Lila**... M&M's all round!


	5. Knowing the Truth

**Disclaimer:** It's not even funny how not-mine they are... :tear tear: Uh, song isn't mine either hmm.. belongs to Edwin McCain.

**A/N: **Sorry this took awhile, It was christmas.. and then I got side-tracked, and stopped writing... which just made it worse cause once you stop it's hard to start again.. for me anyway. And the other reason being that I have been getting all these idea's for new fics and such.

I tell ya it's like when a kid goes to a candy store... 'Oh I could do that idea, oh and that would make a great part for this fic... oh and...' It's almost like.. new ideas, for new fics are so shiny you just have to touch them ROFL :P so I've been writing all of them down, which I'm sure I will use sometime, but for now this fic still has alot more to go before I end it, so don't freak out LOL.

Um okay I think you've had enough of my craziness... Again my thanks to all reviewers, you all are SO amazing... it means so much that you like this (love this) so THANK YOU. lol.

Anyways time for next chapter...

Mistakes are mine, all mine lol.

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 5::: "Knowing the Truth."**

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_The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful_

_Stop me and steal my breath._

_Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky_

_Never revealing their depth._

_Tell me that we belong together,_

_Dress it up with the trappings of love._

_I'll be captivated,_

_I'll hang from your lips,_

_Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above._

_I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead. Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said..._

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The nurse had tried to get Danny to leave Lindsay's beside to at-least go and get something to eat, coffee even. But it was no use, Danny just nodded and declined saying he was fine. She had given up around 23:40 when her shift ended, she told him to try and sleep if anything and left the hospital until the next shift.

Danny moved in his sleep and felt a slight twinge of pain run down his neck and down to his lower back. Opening his eyes, vision some what blurry because he had taken off his glasses, he lifted his head from off the hospital bed and focused on the peaceful and still unconscious form of Lindsay.

Half the reason he hadn't wanted to go to sleep was he dreaded the nightmares.. except they never came, relief washed over him as the other reason didn't become reality.. she was still there, it hadn't been a dream. Lindsay was right in-front of him, and he still had no idea what anything that was happening meant. For now, she was the only thing that existed, mattered. But yet even if he did want there just to be him and Lindsay. And for the whole world to disappear around them and it to be only them, things never went that way... a fact he was reminded of when his cell started to ring.

Running a hand over his face he tried to shake the sleep from him and felt around the table next to him. Placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose he pulled out his phone and sighed... as much as he knew he had to deal with this person, with the same amount he didn't. Reluctantly he got up, giving Lindsay a kiss on her forehead and stepped out of the room toward outside into the morning sun.

He walked over to his parked car, which considering where he had parked, now had 70 dollars worth of parking tickets sitting on the windshield. Getting his car keys out he pulled the parking tickets off and got into the car, away from the noise of the hospital, and even worse the smell of the hospital... not that that the person calling him could smell it on the other end, but the smell made him nervous and right now he had to stay calm. Taking a breath to settle his shaking hands he flipped open his cell.

"Messer." Danny tried to make it sound as simple as possible, but the strain on his emotions caused his voice to sound extremely tired and coarse.

"Where in the hell have you been?, I was about to send out a trace on your phone... I don't care what is going on, I want answers. And I want them now." Mac was furious, nearly 14 hours Danny hadn't had contact with any of the team even though he was supposed to be at the lab. Mac had gone to his apartment, with no sign of anything.. no clues as to where he had gone. Mac was on his last straw of patience.

Danny sighed into the phone, a sigh that seemed to hold all of the feelings and emotions that had happened since the phone call. "I'm sorry." Was all he could say, he knew that Mac would want more than that, but as of now.. he couldn't give what he didn't even know where to find.

Mac heard the tone in his voice. Yes, Mac had been trained to hear things in people's tones, see things in people's body language.. but he didn't need all that to know something was going on. As much as they seemed to clash from time to time, both professionally and as people, Mac knew Danny better than most people which sometimes surprised them both.

"Danny," Mac evened out his tone, "What's going on?" He asked simply, simple and easy.. he wanted this to go right, the last thing he needed was for Danny to close off and lock down everything he was feeling.

Danny leant his head on the car side window and stared blankly at the traffic and people, life going on as normal. To him that wasn't normal, because his life had come to a complete stop and he was sure at one point, or maybe two.. his heart had stopped too. So to see everyone going on with their everyday lives made Danny feel both isolated and lost.

Bad combination for him, losing people or anything that he knew tended to be the reason he had so many problems to begin with, in his teens he has lost both parental guidance and love and his brothers attention.. causing him to get involved with the wrong people, with the player lifestyle he had once had was more so about being isolated, so many women that they all became a blur. No need to answer to anyone, raise to anyone's standards or expectations, and most of all not feel the impact of feeling lost at all... if he kept trying to fill the void with these women then maybe his life would just run okay, not perfectly, but the best it could... or so he had thought once...

Until he became a CSI, suddenly he wanted to do something.. solve the crime... give answers that no-one else knew. Maybe his job had some part in covering the fact that he had no answers in his own life.

And then he met Mac, sure their relationship was not smooth, if anything but... even so, Mac had somehow made Danny feel that he did deserve those answers, and he felt that slowly bit by bit, piece by piece somethings in his life would fall into place. Then Lindsay happened, sure he was trying to sort out the problems with his life... but the one thing that he was sure was part of who he was, was with women, he stayed with them until things became to comfortable then it was time to move on. Somehow Lindsay had changed all of that, and the part at first that had him denying it over and over was the fact that he couldn't fall or even have feelings of that sort, wanting commitment, wanting to be comfortable... it terrified him because it would mean that he was changing who he was, and not just that, changing who he was... for a woman.

But was it who he was?, with a lot of both convincing on Lindsay's side and determination and what he had learned later, love... to help him see that it may have been who he was as Danny Messer, but not who he was as a person, and that had turned his life around like a sling shot, after that things were so great that Flack was constantly complaining that it was like living in 'Pleasantville', Danny would of said something but Lindsay always beat him too it and told Flack he was being jealous.

Lindsay had he had noticed when he had started to notice alot of things about her, he noticed that she stuck up for him, and that surprised him. From then on he figured that whatever happened that she would be there, and he didn't doubt that for a second. Now, complete and utter trust like that for him was so rare that nearly everyone noticed, well except Danny himself until Stella had sat him down and done just about everything other than beat it out of him, which knowing she would.. he had told her everything. From then on everything went, to the shock of his life... with ease, it was as everything had already been set to be that way, it was just waiting for him to figure out what it all meant and put it all in place.

Mac knew that Danny had gone off, in his thoughts. But he needed to make sure of all things, Danny was okay. Danny had his own behavior, that had gotten even weirder after Lindsay left, Mac saw that too. But this behavior was eerie, too much was being thought and Mac needed at-least one thing said out loud. "Danny, talk to me... what is it? where are you?"

Danny realized that this wasn't the time to dwell on the past, it hurt to much and he knew Mac was worried.

"Lindsay."

One word told Mac everything he needed to know, "Danny where are you?"

"Mac, I need to deal with this on my own." Danny replied, finding his state of mind again.

Mac heard the change and nodded to himself, "Don't do anything stupid. I want you to call me at-least every 24 hours okay?, I'm giving you three weeks paid vacation."

Danny closed his eyes and felt like some of the weight was lifted, he wanted to thank Mac, say how nice he was being but he knew that Mac already somehow knew. "Okay."

"You are going to have to tell me what is going on, you know that right?"

"I know."

Mac was reluctant to hang up but he knew that too much was going on inside Danny's head. "I have to go before Stella decides to walk a hole in the floor with all the pacing she is doing outside my office."

For once since it had all started Danny smiled, small... but it was a start. "Yeah, you should, I'll call you."

Mac felt more reassured and more at ease to hang up then, "You better Danny or I will come and find you." Mac told him sternly, and in a almost fatherly way that Mac stared at the phone for a minute after he had hung up, that was before his partner started cursing in greek from the other side of the glass walls. Mac smiled and got up to deal with it. And to put the team's worrying to rest.

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Danny sat in the car unsure of anything. He got out of the car in the sudden need for air, he walked over to the wall near the hospital entrance and leant on it. Closing his eyes he took some slow breaths, this had been the only time that his nerves had been so all over the place and it sum what scared him.

He stood there for a couple of minutes when he sensed someone nearing him, "I see sleep has done you some good." The nurse commented.

Opening his eyes he looked over at her, and nodded.

She smiled warmly, "Although you can't live on sleep, and you look like you haven't eaten in days. I would say lets go to the cafeteria inside, but the food in this hospital is complete crap, trust me."

Danny smiled weakly at the older woman's easy going personality. "How about we make a deal, I'll buy you some coffee and in return all you have to do is be some company for half an hour since the only people I talk to are sick or dying." She offered.

"Alright." He replied, knowing that she was going to get him to eat something eventually, she almost reminded him of Stella. And that made him feel slightly more secure and less confused.

They both walked over to the diner across the road and sat at a table near the front window. A blonde older lady that had a Dolly Parton look about her came over and took the order from her. Placing down the menu she looked over at Danny as he stared out of the window.

"She is going to be okay, you have to remember that."

Danny turned to look at her, "I'm trying." Even though it was harder than that, he knew she was going to be okay, the doctor had told him so. It was just that everything else wasn't okay.

She sensed what he was thinking, "There was a 'but' there. Something else is wrong isn't it."

Danny sighed and looked at his hands, "I'm sorry, It's not my place to pry." She said knowing that some people didn't want to reveal their inner most feelings to a stranger, even if she was a nurse.

He looked up, "I ruined it."

She tilted her head, trying to figure out his meaning, "Ms. Monroe?" She guessed having seen him with her, and the look of heartbreak and hope he had on his face since he stepped though the ER doors.

Danny nodded, "Lindsay."

The waitress came over and placed the coffee cups in-front of them, "Here you go Susan."

"Thanks Margaret." She replied wrapping her hands around the mug, reveling in the warmth.

Danny stared into the mug, the dark rich coffee reminding him so much of Lindsay's chocolate brown eyes. "I don't think she will ever.." He couldn't bring himself to say it out-loud.

"Forgive you?" Susan guessed.

Danny nodded again, "I broke her heart."

She sat there for a second before replying, "But, you still love her. Don't you."

Danny sighed, "Yes."

"I read her file, she has a daughter." Susan said carefully, not to be to pushy.

"I didn't know until yesterday."

Susan nodded, that explained why the feeling when the two were in the same room was so thick, even if Lindsay was in a coma. "Look, I'm the worst person to take advice from... my parents died when I was 12, I hung around with all the wrong people. I got out of high school and got married, he was an asshole who used to push me around, I had a miscarriage and divorced him. But there is one thing I do know... you can't give up. I see the way you look at her, even the fact you won't leave her beside shows that she means more to you than anything. Whatever happens, believe that you can fix whatever happened between you, because you love her, and that is all that should matter. Not the other stuff." She said before taking a sip from her coffee.

Danny stared at her for a moment, suddenly liking her even more. This woman didn't know him but yet he felt as though she did. Yep she was definitely a Stella, a friend he knew he would have for a long time. "Thank you." He replied sincerely.

That was all she needed, just to know that somehow what she had said had got through to him. "Don't mention it." She said, a warm smile now on her face.

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Danny walked back to Lindsay's room slightly more refreshed having been persuaded to eat something by Susan. They had parted ways at the entrance doors and she had told him that she would come and check on him on her lunch break.

He opened the door and stepped inside, just as he sat down someone knocked on the door before opening it, Danny turned around to see a man in his 40's, dark brown hair that was graying in areas and wearing a very wrinkle-free navy suit. A cop, Danny knew as soon as he saw him.

"Detective Messer, I presume." Detective Porter said holding out his hand.

Danny got up and shook his hand firmly. "I'm Detective Porter, I'm working Ms. Monroe's daughter's case."

Danny nodded, "Okay."

"I'm guessing that since she didn't mention you when I talked to her, that you two haven't had much contact?." Porter asked sitting down in a chair next to Danny.

"No." Danny replied feeling his throat close off just a little.

"I assume your relationship with her is-"

"I was her ex-fiance."

Detective Porter opened the file in his hand and glanced at it before looking back at Danny. "Since Ms. Monroe is unconscious and we haven't gotten a hold of any family members, and seeing as you two had a very close relationship. If you don't mind, I'll give you all the updates of her daughters case?."

Danny looked at Lindsay and placed his hand on hers, "That's fine."

Porter looked again at the file and tried to decide if he should reveal what was on the child's file. "Detective Messer."

"Danny. Danny is fine."

"Okay. Danny there is something you should know that is on her daughters medical file."

Danny looked up and tilted his head questionably, "What?"

"I'm not sure as to wether Ms. Monroe wanted or wants you to know this information, but seeing as the little girl is missing and her mother is in the hospital unconscious, you may need to know."

Danny sat there patiently waiting for the detective to just tell him.

"Your her father."

Danny's jaw opened slightly, sure he had thought it could be a possibility. But to know it was in-fact truth, was.. mind-blowing, and changed _everything_. He had tons of questions going through his head, Why didn't Lindsay tell him? Was one of the main ones. He shook his head and put all of the unanswered questions on hold for now.

"What's her name?" Danny asked squeezing Lindsay's hand lightly.

"Megan Louise Stella Monroe."

Another wave of shock hit him, Louise?... she had put that in after Louie, he could tell because he knew how Lindsay thought. He smiled slightly at the fact Lindsay had put Stella in Megan's name. Stella would be ecstatic over that.

"Megan." Danny said quietly to himself, that was his daughter.

He had a daughter.

He was speechless, he had a daughter, and not just that, he had a daughter with Lindsay. He looked over at Lindsay and couldn't help but chuckle at the fact there was a little mini version of Lindsay... little Montana. He fingered one of her curls and let it fall back over her shoulders.

Turning back to Porter he realized that yes, he had a daughter but she was missing, possibly kidnapped. "What do you know so far?." He asked, the CSI side of Danny coming back into gear, but yet... now there was a small flicker of the old Danny shining through.

Maybe Flack had been right, maybe Lindsay could fix Danny... and maybe just maybe, that little girl could be the thing to bring everything into place.

**TBC:::**

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**AN: **The angsty-ness is going to flutter away layer by layer. Although if you want the angst to stay and make Danny and Linds suffer, all you have to do is ask and ye' shall receive. Mwuahahaha.

Um yeah, but I don't know about you though... don't ya miss the banter, and flirting... oh and since they were together.. don't you want to see them make-out?... okay I'm getting side-tracked.. if I do it too much, please tell me. LMAO.

Not many of you know I have a CSI forum, It may not be as amazing as TalkCSI and at the moment there is only me, _mj0621_ and _tv freak 92_, but I put alot of effort into it and it looks pretty awesome lol. The link is on my profile...

As always, read & review... it makes my day, it really does. :) and it'll make me write a hell of alot faster LOL.

**Lila xo**


	6. Could Life Just Rewind

**Disclaimer: **Want them to be mine, but they aren't... blah blah blah, I don't get payed for this, have any say over anything, everything is borrowed.. yada yada yada. Song belongs to Snow Patrol.

**AN: **Okay first off sorry sorry sorry, for the delay!

I have NO idea where in the world I came up with this chapter's title, so excuse the oddness of it, I came up with it at.. um.. very early in the morning. LOL.

I'd just like to thank (these are people that reviewed last chapter):

_**all the glitters**:_ Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support, encouragement. And just being such an amazing person, and writer... you do always help me, even if it is just to make me smile :)

_**chili-peppers** (Thank you soo much for always reviewing!)_

_tv freak 92_, _bigmelinafan, prplerayne, InOvrMyHead4Life, LiaBelle._

Each and every one of you make me extremely happy to know you do enjoy what I write, so thanks. :)

That also goes to anyone I missed, sorry If I did. And to all of you that reviewed the other chapters, I know because of ff. and alerts some of you didn't get the alert, so thank you as-well.

Mistakes all mine.

_---------------------------------------_

**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 6::: "Could Life Just Rewind."**

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_All this feels strange and untrue _

_And I won't waste a minute without you _

_My bones ache, my skin feels cold _

_And I'm getting so tired and so old _

_Every minute from this minute now _

_We can do what we like anywhere _

_I want so much to open your eyes _

_Cos I need you to look into mine _

_Get up, get out, get away from these liars _

_Cos they don't get your soul or your fire _

_Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine _

_And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time.._

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_Words_...

Words can either hurt you, heal you, or make you want to rewind back to when things weren't so hard.

_Good._...

That's what the doctor's had told him when they had come to talk to him the night before. 'She's in _good_ condition.', 'Her vital signs look _good._', 'She is making _good_ progress.' Danny had just about enough he could take of good.

He wasn't angry at Lindsay, it was never her fault. None of it, the accident, the disappearance of their daughter, even those years before weren't her fault.

But that was the problem, he wasn't blaming anyone, he was just not dealing with it at all, sure, he thought about it and decided things.. but he wasn't _dealing _with it, he was just... there. The truth was that no matter how much he talked himself out of it, time after time, he found that he blamed himself. And it was causing his hope and livelihood to waver from staying in place.

_Guilt_...

The feeling that constantly washed over him day to day, like a dreaded nausea. He felt guilty for everything, what he didn't know was why. He knew that wishing you could change things wasn't going to fix anything, but still you hope that it will, because wishing you can fix it is a hell of alot easier than looking around and realizing that everything is broken, and _your_ the one who broke it.. and _your_ the one who has to somehow figure out how to put it all back together again..

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Danny sat at one end of Lindsay's ICU room, feet up on the window sill, files strewn across his lap along with his glasses. The Detective had left him the files and some of the case notes on Megan's case, along with the information on the crash. Danny had wanted to go through them.. not so much for the case, but for getting a little bit closer to knowing his daughter. Even if it was out of a file. He needed to feel close to Lindsay, and right now Lindsay wasn't even aware he was there yet, her-- _their_ daughter was the strongest link he had to her.

Someone started gently shaking his shoulder. "Danny." Susan leaned over next to him and took the files off of his lap and placed them on the nearest table. She took his glasses carefully, "Danny..." She tried again.

She didn't want to wake him, sleep was probably the best thing for him now but she had to. She sighed and tried once more, how any of his girlfriends or his mother for that matter ever woke him up she could not understand, and if they did.. well they were either very loud; or very comfortable throwing ice cold water over him without the risk of him pulling his gun on them.

"Danny!" Susan repeated in a loud whisper as to not startle him.

"Hrmph." Came Danny's reply.

Susan crossed her fingers and tried a new approach, "Detective Messer!"

Luckily for her..Danny blinked and looked over at her. No ice cold water necessary today.

"Good morning. Sorry to wake you up, it's just you have a visitor. Well you _and_ Lindsay." Susan told him.

Danny yawned and tried focusing, "Glasses?"

Susan looked at his glasses she was holding, "Oh right, glasses. Here," she replied handing them to him.

Placing his glasses on, he yawned and moved around in the plastic hospital chair and rubbed his back. "Visitor?" He asked more awake now.

"Um, yeah. A guy. About 6'7, dark hair, blue eyes. Really bad choice of ties." Susan said tilting her head.

Danny half chuckled, a odd but interesting sound to Susan who hadn't seen much other than the broken man that walked in two days ago. She smiled, "You know him?"

He nodded, "Detective Don Flack. I wouldn't tell him that about the ties though.. he prides himself on his 'fashion sense' not that there is much 'sense' in it."

Susan smiled, "I'll keep that in mind, so he's a Detective? You work with him?"

"Yeah. And not only is he a Detective, if he is here he has also become the person Mac has sent to find out what's going on... or if I've done anything stupid is more like it." Danny replied getting up and closing the files on the window sill before turning around to look at Lindsay.

Susan sensed the need to leave him alone for a second, "Well here, got you some coffee," she said handing it to him, "...since I know you haven't braved hospital food. Even if you are a tough New York cop."

Danny nodded, "Thanks."

She walked to the door but turned around before leaving, "I'll tell Detective Flack to wait, not that the other nurses will mind having him standing around," she smirked, "..I wouldn't leave him out there too long though, those young nurses are looking at him like he is live prey," she joked before walking out.

She didn't expect him to laugh at jokes or even react, but she knew he needed as normal as he could get right now. Maybe not his normal, because right now it was probably so far from normal, but if everyone else was at their normal maybe he'd feel less pressured to be fine.

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Danny took a sip of the coffee and felt the effects of caffeine run through his system, like a rush of energy; but to him it was only keeping him awake. Not giving him happiness or the want to smile. But still, caffeine kept him awake at-least. He may not of been fine, but he was okay, and okay looked a damn more better than the way it had been when he answered that phone.

Walking over to Lindsay's bedside he placed his hand on top of hers and let out a sigh, of both tiredness... emotional tiredness, and worry. He leant down and gently kissed her forehead as had become sort of a thing he felt the need to do whenever he left the room. And he stepped out and walked down to the front desk.

Flack was leaning on the nurses station counter receiving lots of looks from some of the nurses along with a frown from the head nurse.

"You come all the way here to flirt with nurses, Flack?" Danny asked slipping his hands into his jean pockets.

Flack turned around and looked at Danny for a second, first because Danny looked so warn down and tired, and second because oddly he looked alot less depressed than when he had seen him a couple of days ago.

"Eh, Flack." Danny said waving his hand in the Detective's face, "You still on earth there man?"

Flack blinked, "Uh, yeah. Well, you look. Better, tired," he replied, unsure of what words to say.

Danny tilted his head, "In other words?"

"You look like crap. But at-least you don't look so... well-"

"Depressed, in despair, lost, solemn, distant, cold... take your pick."

Flack shrugged, "Basically yeah."

"So what did Mac want?" Danny asked as they both made their way out through the ER doors.

"What makes you think-" Flack sighed. "How ya' holding up? Mac traced your phone, got access to the hospital records... happened to come across a certain patient of the name Monroe."

Danny nodded, "I'm coping with what I can. And yeah It's Lindsay."

"From what it says on her chart, she's gonna be okay." Flack replied, pulling on his coat against the wind.

Danny nodded again, "Yeah. She's gonna be okay."

"And..."

"What do you mean 'and'?" Danny asked.

"Drop it Messer. I know you.. there is something else." Flack said shaking his head.

"When Lindsay left, she... well-... I have a daughter."

Flack stopped walking and turned to face him, "You and Lindsay have a kid?"

Danny just nodded.

"Whoa, but hang on... there's-"

"Gee, you aren't a Detective for notin' are 'ya Flack." Danny said as they crossed the road, toward the coffee shop.

"Anytime you want, I'll wait." Flack joked.

Danny sighed, "Megan... our daughter.. she's missing."

Flack let out a breath, "I'm sorry, Danny. Really I am. I mean I know after Lindsay leaving and all... and now this. Well the team is here for you, 'ya know that right?" He said, trying to say something comforting.. sure he wanted to say _he_ was there for Danny. But he is a man, men can't talk about their feelings... it's just not done.

Danny slid into one side of the booth and Flack the other, "I know. Thanks," he replied, silently understanding the hidden message.

"I'm glad, cause well... Mac has kinda-"

"Let me guess, he's made you stay here with me." Danny said looking at him over the diner menu.

Flack chuckled, "Yep."

"Lucky you." Danny said with a smirk.

Flack nodded, "Yeah," he replied. Since Flack had got here, Danny had almost been like he used to be, he was almost happy. And somehow he could tell that Danny appreciated him being there, because even if there were somethings that he couldn't help with or fix, he could be there and help Danny get through it. Because he was his friend. So he wasn't planning on being anywhere else.

The waitress came over and took their orders. For Danny, toast with scrabbled eggs and coffee black.. big improvement from not eating anything at all. Flack, coffee black; long drives made him nauseous, eating something in the next six hours was not going to stay down for long.

Danny leant back and fought a yawn, yawning wasn't the only thing that was proof he was extremely tired and beat. The whole thing was taking it's toll on him both mentally, emotionally... and more obviously; physically. If he thought about it, he loved Lindsay so much.. the feelings ran so deep, and intwined with his heart and soul that it hurt just to see her like she was.

He knew that being negative would never help anything at all.. but how do you see the positive in such an agonizing situation?.

Distract yourself... "So how's everybody back at the lab?" Danny asked. He felt as though he had been gone for years.. the amount of things he had gone through in such a short space of time.

"They're alright... Mac's going a little crazy... more serious, I think he's worried about you more than he is admitting. Just the fact he sent me down here shows that. Stella is very-- well, she is going mad because Mac is driving her mad since he is stressed out, so she is stressed out by him being-"

"I get it. I get it." Danny cut him off, shaking his head. "Basically it's Mac and Stella... being Mac and Stel."

Flack chuckled, "Well everything is slightly awol. But when _isn't_it awol, eh?"

"Yeah." Danny nodded, a hint of a smirk creeping onto the edges of his mouth.

"Sheldon is dating Georgia. No-one saw that one coming." Flack said as he smiled politely to the waitress who placed his coffee in-front of him.

Danny tore open a packet of sugar and slowly poured it into his coffee. "Georgia? As in the goth, died black hair.. shy, quiet girl from ballistics?" He asked.

Flack picked up his coffee, watching the steam rise. "Yeah, same one. Turns out they studied under the same professor or something.. she has enough experience to be a ME but she chose to go into ballistics... don't know why."

Danny swallowed a mouthful, "Mmm-hmm, well if Hawkes is dating her then maybe she's alright. If you can see past the whole black lipstick thing..."

Flack laughed as he stirred his coffee. Suddenly the whole mood seemed lighter; either the fact there was food being consumed or he could swear that Danny had made a joke, and that he was easing into a more easygoing, playful joking mood.. almost like his normal/old self.

"Oh yeah!, you know how Adam has been on vacation for a whole month.."

"Yeah?" Danny replied, sipping slowly at his coffee only for the heat to singe his tongue slightly. He winced and picked up a piece of toast.

"Turned out he got married." Flack said.

Danny raised his eyebrows, a look of bemusement on his face. "Your kiddin' me?"

"Nuh-huh, he's been engaged for about four months.. since summer. But the girl had some things to deal with back where she's from in Connecticut, her father died... so she went back and then a month ago everything was sorted so Adam went up there and they got married."

Danny stared out of the window and laughed. Flack looked at him, "What's so funny? Not that I mind, laughing suits you alot better..."

"Linds..." Danny shook his head still laughing, he ran his hand through his hair. "A long way back, when we first started dating.. before anyone knew about us... Adam tried asking her out. She said to me that he crept her out kinda. She made me go and get the lab results for about three weeks," he said with a crooked smile, just at the memory of it.

Flack put his coffee mug down and smiled, _'She sure does have an incredible effect on him.'_

Danny looked over and saw him smiling, "What?"

"No point me saying it, I already said it to you once." Flack answered smirking.

"What?" Danny repeated crossing his arms with a questioning expression.

"You've always had it bad for her, only now... that it has become part of who you are.. kinda ironic actually."

"How?"

"You don't see it cause your involved, but if someone else looks from when you and Lindsay met... to now. From doing everything but pull on her pig-tails.. to you and her in Central Park-"

"How'd you know about that?, And how do you remember that?" Danny asked.

Flack shrugged, "She told Stel, Stella told Mac.. while Hawkes was there... Hawkes told me... and I remember everything," he said wagging his eyebrows.

Danny snorted, "Uh-huh, whatever you say man."

Flack brow wrinkled into a slight frown, "_Anyway_... Central Park.. to you two moving in together, in which I almost cracked my back-"

Danny outright laughed, "Yeah right. Linds carried heavier boxes than you.. the heaviest thing you lifted was a plant."

"Eh." Flack rolled his eyes, "As I was saying.. from then to you taking her to meet your family-"

"Now **that** was an experience.. I was more scared of my own family than she was, all she needed to do was smile and they would love her... me, I had to make sure that the family photo album's were in a safe made out of fifty feet thick steel."

"Will you stop interrupting."

Danny picked another piece of toast up and waved it, "Well talk then."

"From that to you guys getting engaged... to you having a kid together... my point was that not in a million years could you have seen this coming... and to think it all started because you told her.. what was it again?"

"I thought you remember everything?" Danny replied, imitating Flack.

"Ha. Ha." Flack said sarcastically.

Danny leaned his elbow on the table as he looked into his coffee. "I told her to call Mac 'sir'," he said as if it was yesterday.

Flack laughed, "And she dated you why?"

"Shut-up. Before you forget something." Danny retorted, but smirked.

Flack pulled out his wallet and placed some noted onto the table in-front of him, "I gotta go sort out my transport, I'm heading back in about half and hour."

Danny tilted his head, "I though Mac was making you stick to me... ya' know in case I do somin' stupid or whatever," he pointed out.

"Yeah well, Mac gave me a day... and you seem okay to me, you aren't suicidal or anything so I think it's safe for me to go." Flack replied getting up as he slipped his wallet back into his jean pocket, "He still wants you to call him though."

"Right." Danny nodded and placed his own money down while getting up, then following Flack back outside.

"So you think your gonna be alright?" Flack asked glancing side-ways at him.

"Yea'." Danny answered with a small nod.

Flack patted Danny's shoulder lightly, "See ya' soon Dan. Take care of her, not that I need to tell ya' to," he said with a grin.

Danny smiled, "I will, thanks."

Flack nodded, "Say bye for me to the nurses of Philly General, will ya'."

"Get outta here, Flack. Before I make you."

"Later." Flack put his hands into his pockets and crossed the road, over to his parked SVU.

Danny chuckled inwardly. Annoying or not, Flack managed to help him see the good things that were there all along, but he just had trouble seeing.

And most of all Flack gave him his unconditional support. Just like any family would, like any brother would. In a way Don was the brother he never had.. and when Louie had died, Don became a sort of.. not replacement, but he filled the role that Danny needed in his life. And he was grateful, even if Mac has sent him to come.. that Flack had come anyway.

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With more of a bounce in his step, compared to dragging his feet. Danny walked back into the building and to Lindsay's room.

He sat back down and looked up at the clock on the wall... according to the case files, Megan had now been missing for close to 62 hours... it wasn't looking good in Danny's eyes, the job had downfalls... when you have an ordinary, boring, day to day job.. you are almost like a child, protected from the harsh cold reality.. but when your in the line of work that deals with the sometimes worse sides of humanity, you know that as the minutes tick past that the chances of finding her... alive. Were getting smaller and smaller.

Sighing he tidied up the files and placed them on the side table. Holding her hand in his he closed his eyes and leant back in the chair.

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_1-hr and thirty-seven minutes later..._

Danny turned on his side but stopped dead cold in place...

_It happened again..._

He paused, but once again it happened.

Opening his eyes slightly he peeked out and then **again** it happened, he sat bolt up-right and stared down at his hand.. he blinked and shook his head..

Lindsay was faintly squeezing his hand..

His breath caught and he stared at her...

As her eyes fluttered slowly open...

"Danny?!"

**TBC:::**

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**AN: **Mwuahahahha hehe. ;D Omg ya'll are gonna be mad at me for that cliffhanger... LOL.

Well yet another chapter done, I'm so proud. ROFL.

**Read!**..(Yes I would like that very much if you did)... **and** **Review!** (Because it boosts my mood into super-hyper-writerness. lmao.)

oooooooo**Lila**xxxxxxxx


	7. Reaction, Retraction, Stop

**Disclaimer: **'Disclaimer'_Definition:_A statement that denies something. Haha. So true.. they are denying me the right to own CSI. Arg. Song belongs to Travis.

**AN: **Alright you can all stop with the yelling cause I am trying to fix my addiction with cliffhangers. I think I've done enough of them so far... I promise that the end of this chapter will not be one.. but hey no promises, just kidding! Sorry for delay, had theater skool then my birthday, I am now 15, yayy LOL so... anyways. Enough of my babbling, time for my thank-you's(Again these are the lovely people that reviewed the last chapter) I have to say that I LOVE seeing new people reviewing, just as much as constant reviewers, new ones make me smile :)

**Thank you: **_Marue61, Devilla, Laura T, summertales._** _fatkat _**Thank you for being so encouraging!** chili-peppers **thank you! _LiaBelle, prplerayne, InOvrMyHead4Life, dddynamite._ Again so incredibly sorry if I did miss any of ya'll. eek.

And FINALLY, what you've all been needing... D/L!! Whoooooo. (I know, 15 is having a strange effect on me. LMAO)

_---------------------------------------_

**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 7::: "Reaction, Retraction, Stop."**

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_If the world isn't turning_

_Your heart won't return_

_Anyone, anything, anyhow_

_So take me don't leave me_

_Take me don't leave me_

_Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you_

_Well I stand at the crossroads_

_Of highroads and lowroads_

_And I got a feeling it's right_

_If it's real what I'm feeling_

_There's no make-believing_

_The sound of the wings of the flight of a dove_

_Take it away_

_Don't look da-da-da down the mountain_

_If the world isn't turning _

_Your heart won't return anyone anything anyhow..._

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Danny's mouth dropped in shock, this of all things he was definitely not expecting.

She was awake?

The last couple of days he had been through every single situation in his head, both new and old... but this. This he was not prepared for. Maybe it was the fact that now she was awake everything was different, this wasn't an figure of his imagination, this was Lindsay.. and she was no longer in a coma.

Lindsay immediately took her hand from out of Danny's as if she had been burnt, you would think that this of all things would make her brain go a hundred miles an hour.. but no, it was blank, nothing. Her mind was not responding very well to the sudden turn in things, but her body was as she started to have a panic attack.

Susan was down the hall when she heard another nurse call her. She wasn't Lindsay's nurse but the other nurses knew she was indirectly connected to both Lindsay and Danny. 'Indirectly' so the head nurse couldn't use the opportunity to tear her to shreds.. let's just say that the old lady in charge was not so much into the idea of having feelings for anything... even pain she dealt with by upping the patient's morphine drip.

"Susan, PA... Monroe." Gabrielle the nurse that was assigned to Lindsay, called as she rushed past the doorway.

Susan put down the chart she was holding, let go of the watch in her hand and rushed after her down the hall and into the room. Gabrielle went over to Lindsay's bedside and turned on the oxygen mask, gently placing it on her face. "Breath in, deep breaths. That's it."

Danny had moved out of the way and now stood against the back wall facing the end of the hospital bed, his eyes were wide and his palms were damp. He had never been this scared in his whole life, including at work.

"Danny, Danny?" Susan said trying to get his attention, but he didn't respond. His eyes were stuck firmly on Lindsay, who was now breathing in more even breaths with her eyes closed.

Gabrielle wrote down the Panic Attack on the chart notes and took ahold of Susan's forearm. Susan nodded, "I'm coming." She took one look between Danny and the woman who could control his emotions just with a word, or in this case.. his name. The nurses stepped out quietly leaving them alone in the room.

There was silence, but somehow there was also feelings, lots and lots of them.. if emotions could be put into a sound, if they were sound waves.. the noise would sound like a music concert for some extreme metal band mixed with a bit of love songs and then throw in something depressing and you've got basically everything they both felt right then.

Where were the words, the things he needed to go through and sort out like he had gone over... where were they now? Right when he needed to think about something to say, it was too hard, and truth be told he was too scared to even blink... because he had gotten so close to her, being here in the hospital, hearing her deep even breathing as she slept when he drifted off himself.

He almost felt embarrassed, like he had showcased those emotions after all this time.. and now, he had to at-least cover them up again, but he had no warning so he felt exposed. And not only that, exposed to the woman who maybe without her knowledge, held his heart in her hands... and as it turned out, his mind too, or maybe that had just decided to desert him... why not, everything else seemed to do that in his life, either by his choice or just because that is what happened.

Danny did one thing that he always did, not that he ever realized he did.. He ran his hand through his hair while he still continued to look at her. Even though her eyes were closed he felt like she was staring holes straight through him, waiting for answers, or something... he wasn't sure...

He saw her breathe out slowly before opening her eyes. Lindsay wanted to keep them closed, just pretend that nothing happened. Sure she was terrified as to the fact he was there... him of all people, in a way she had felt her spirit lift at the sight of him when she had woken up.. but then everything came pouring back to her brain and she panicked... half of the reason had nothing to do with Danny... but mostly stress over everything with Megan, then just plain panic because she only remembered being in a car crash and she didn't know what had happened with everything and mostly Megan.

Then the other half was about Danny Messer, who stood in-front of her, with a look she couldn't describe, one thing she did know was that whatever he was feeling.. he was trying damn hard to hide it. And that caused anger to rise through her, she needed, **had** to be angry at him... why was he there? And that was the first thing she had said to him since when she had woke up.

"What are you doing here?" She asked quiet but strong, her voice still unsteady from before.

Danny suddenly felt the need for air, like all walls were slowly closing in on him. Maybe he should be wearing the oxygen mask. 'What the hell do I say?' Seemed to be the only thought that he could put together that didn't include his fear. Instead he said one thing that, when he thought about it was the thing that under everything he had wanted to say to her..

"I'm Megan's father," he said simply, not that it was simple, anything but.

'Oh, no.. not this, please.' Lindsay thought as she gripped onto the hospital sheets, her hands were shaking.

Danny saw the reaction, her cover-up about her hands.. he wanted to speak but knowing that just that caused such a huge effect, made him stop, he didn't want to upset her even more than he had too... but if he thought that he would get through the whole thing, each problem and emotional scar, without any disturbance.. he knew he was _really_ kidding himself. This was going to be painful as it was, but this time it wasn't some other thing, this was Lindsay and him... they were worth a battle to the death, if it took every inch of him and each and every breath in him to fix or at-least repair their past and relationship and not until now had he added their future into the equation... then he would do it.

A future with her had never crossed his mind once, because it was like saying that evidence would process it self, although Mac would disagree on that point, Danny knew. But as soon as she woke up, as soon as he saw those chocolate brown eyes, he fell for her all over again... it was so dream like... three years and there she was, it was unreal, but it **was** real... and _that_ didn't scare him, in-fact he loved it, even if it was in the hardest situation, any situation with her suited him just fine... hell even if she decided to kill him right there and then, he would not even care.

Maybe he was suicidal after all, or more like putting himself in harms way... Suicide? Or being in love with Lindsay?... He couldn't find the answer to it then and probably never would.

Deciding that nothing, good or bad would happen unless they cut this tension he walked over and sat in the chair next to her bedside, as he had been doing for days, now though.. Lindsay's eyes were on every move he made, even his thoughts felt like they were being observed as if they were on display. Lindsay watched him but looked down when he looked up, she glanced out of the window and tried to think of what this meant... _what_ was he doing there, in the hospital with her, he wasn't supposed to be there. She didn't want him there... but what confused her and irritated her all the same was that she couldn't tell him to go.

Danny rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Look I know we have-- well ALOT to go through... I know this, believe me I know. But this isn't going to go away... I can't stand it anymore, I mean I've been depressed and miserable and distant for three and a half years... and now seeing you, this is too much... I **need** you to at-least listen to me.. I don't care if after I say everything you ask me to leave and never talk to you ever again.. but just this once, just listen," he said, almost begged.

He needed to say something to her, just something... before he went back to being a coward like he had been, and just walking away... from what was the best thing of his life. Thats what she was, people always say 'They are the love of my life' whenever they are married and you ask them about their spouse.

To anyone else it might seem mushy and almost revolting, but to Danny it made so much sense it was literally stamped on his heart, if someone was ever to ask _him_ about anyone in his life and he mentioned Lindsay, there would only be one thing to describe everything, somehow even the bad. She was the love of his life, and unless she went and cut it short when he had stopped talking then...she always would be. Now _that_ she could never change.

Lindsay moved her arms from her lap and wrapped them around herself, a sort of protection, from what? Maybe she subconsciously was protecting the most damaged part of her... her heart, sort of defending the weak spots, except with her emotions, maybe it was also because of _who_ was there.

Danny had always caused so many emotions, and feelings to go through her, some she didn't even know were possible till she met him.. she had gone from hating him to liking him to hating him all over again, then finally to loving him. Love... that was probably the one thing she was the most terrified of sitting there with him right next to her, because he may not of known it but she did love him, she loved him then and she loved him now, she just couldn't help it, it was **Danny**.

"I'm listening," she said almost in a whisper, so quiet he could barely hear her.

Two words... never, _never_ had made him so hopeful about absolutely everything, than those did, from her mouth. She probably never would realize how much she actually did effect him, every part of his soul was grasped to her presence, a grasp he held onto back just as much.

He went to get up from the chair, but in his nervous state he would probably end up pacing. So shifting position in his chair he adjusted his glasses, pushing them back onto the bridge of his nose and cleared his throat. He had no clue as to where in the world he would start, after all this was both the best and the worse thing ever to happen, falling in love had so many bonuses, yet so many downfalls.

He could go on about everything, how cheating on her was wrong on a whole new level of wrong even for him, or how he should of never shut her out because of what he had done, and just told her the truth. Or something else that had happened. But none of it at all seemed to work. Apologizing would make him look like he had come there to bring her more pain, rub it in that he had caused her heartbreak. Saying sorry would seem to her that he wanted to make himself feel better.

And then you have to add Megan into it, if he even started to ask about why she had left and not come back when she found out she was pregnant, then that would just cause him to be out on his ass on his way back to New York. No, dealing with Lindsay meant dealing with Lindsay, no excuses, no small talk, no apologies to fix what was already broken a long time ago.

But there was one main thing.. no saying something just to say it. He was going to give her everything straight up.. the truth, she deserved it, no bullshit, because lying had not helped or worked before and not right then.

They say the truth hurts, but there had already been their fare share and more of hurt, maybe now... it could just be the truth.

"You are probably thinking 'why is he here?'..." Danny started.

This caught Lindsay's attention, once again he read her mind. Even now. It kinda pissed her off, but if it did, she wasn't showing it. Because her expression was blank, almost calm. Calm was so far off from her feelings it would scare him to know what they were. She tore her gaze from aimlessly staring out the window and turned her head to look at him, waiting for him to continue. Although she was looking at him she was avoiding his eye-line, because when she woke up and looked into his eyes everything went on full alert, panic, and so many emotions that the electricity that powered her would blow up.

"... Well, let's see, I got a phone call... found out about you being in that car crash, Megan all at once, I basically wasn't thinking when I dropped everything and came all the way here. Mac kinda bit my head off..." He chuckled but coughed slightly when he knew that it wasn't helping, and Lindsay wasn't finding it very amusing.

"..I've been here since you got out of surgery, sat with you. Sure, I thought of going, but I couldn't. Don't ask me why I am here, why I stayed, _why _I've still been in love with you since day one.. because honestly? I have no idea." He finished realizing that for now, that was all he knew, all he had. And until he knew where she was on it all, he was a guy who's light at the end of the tunnel showing the way had been some what gone frazzled and faded. He was blindfolded to everything, and she was the one who had to lead him out. She was his guide.

Lindsay stayed silent, thinking. The fact he had admitted he was still in love with her didn't go unnoticed. It was as noticeable as a sign above his head saying 'In Love with Lindsay Monroe'... she may of been slightly quiet and almost in a haze. But she was completely focused, and as soon as he had said that he had stayed with her... her focus was locked on him. Much to her annoyance and try as she might to stop, well retracting herself from this was not as easy as she wanted it to be... she wanted to pull herself away from him, but every time she tried she came to a sudden stop. All this, him, was never good for her state of mind.

"Okay," she replied with a small nod.

"Okay?" Danny asked with a questioning look.

"Okay," she repeated. "For now, I don't know what else there is."

He nodded in understanding, because he felt the same exact way. Funny how even though they seemed so apart emotionally, they were basically on the same page as far as what they were thinking was concerned.

"Can I ask you a question?" Lindsay asked after a couple of minutes of them just sitting there together in silence that was slowly easing into a slight comfortable silence.

Danny looked up at her, "Yeah."

"Why _did_ you stay here?"

"Because I needed to be, it's what I had to do. You are apart of me, you are in my heart... and you always will be."

Lindsay turned on her side. Out of his sight she wiped away the tears that were rolling softly down her cheeks.

"Can I ask _you _a question?" Danny asked gently.

"Uh-huh," she answered, her voice cracking just a little.

"Does Megan know about me?"

Lindsay closed her eyes, "In a way," she said but knew he was waiting for more of an explanation. "I have pictures still, she is only three.. she found them asked me who the man in the picture was... I said it was---" she stopped when her voice wavered and more tears came, and she started to cry. What she was going to say was 'A man that I feel in love with, he saved me when I was lonely and broken... he was the man that made me whole'.

Danny got up and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Lindsay," he said trying to get her to turn back around so he could see her face.

She pulled her shoulder back from his touch, "Don't," she pleaded, her voice shaking as she now sobbed. "I can't. Don't." She put up her hand, "It's too much. Please don't."

Hearing her plead he moved back and tried not to cry himself, his heart was aching from hearing her cry, he wanted to hold her, say something to make her forget about everything. Instead he stood there. He hoped that somehow she knew, knew that no matter what he would be there. Even if he could do nothing, he wanted to be near her, where he could feel her presence.

After fifteen minutes she had settled down, her breathing was more even and she had pulled the covers closer to herself when a knock on the room door got Danny's attention. Walking over he opened it, Detective Porter stood on the other side.

"Mr. Messer," Porter greeted suddenly very formally.

Danny sensed that because of the Detective's manner that something was up, "Detective Porter," Danny replied with a polite nod and stepping out of the way to let him in before shutting the door.

Porter went over to Lindsay's hospital bed as Danny took his seat back in the chair beside it. Lindsay rolled back over and sat up, "Detective."

"I have new information on your daughter," Porter told them, pulling a file from under his arm. He opened it and took out a letter that lay inside of a bag with red evidence tape sealing the top off.

Danny glanced sideways over at Lindsay, her eyes were widened and her brow was wrinkled in worry. "What?" Danny asked, knowing Lindsay was too scared to know.

Porter went to hand the letter to Lindsay but she just stared at it so he opted to hand it to Danny instead. "It's a ransom note, turns out you never received it because the mail delivery company had a worker strike the day after it was sent to your house. It says you have a week, they want information on a man that was released from sing-sing prison in New York. Guess they thought you were still a cop Ms. Monroe."

Lindsay tilted her head, "They want information?" She asked bemused, "They want freaking information... for my daughters life."

Danny decided to say something, "Who's the guy?"

"Uh--" he looked down at the file, "Sonny Sassone."

"What?!" Danny's face mirrored Lindsay's look of horror, only his was mixed with anger.

"He was realeased?" Lindsay asked, and looked at Danny.

"From what it says on the letter... they said he would be released in a week, thats why that time-frame."

Danny read over the letter in his hand and then looked around for a remote for the TV in the corner. Pressing the power button he looked for the news...

_'And in breaking news... Sonny Sassone, lead member of criminal gang The Tanglewood Boys... has escaped from sing-sing this morning.. official say that he stabbed the guard and got out through the laundry truck. We will have more for you when we have an update-' _He switched it off and let out a long breath, now of all times **this** has to happen, now.. his damn job is now a problem, of all things these kidnappers want they chose that.

Porter saw both of their reactions and knew there was background on this 'Sassone' guy. "I'll leave you two to discuss everything, I'll come back in the morning. I will be going over how we need to do this," he said handing Danny a photocopy of the letter and placing the original back in the folder.

Danny nodded and replied because Lindsay was staring at her a random spot on the wall. "Okay, thanks."

"Good night," Porter said walking out, closing the door behind him.

"Lindsay," Danny said walking back over to her. "Lindsay?"

She looked up at him, her eyes welled up with fresh tears. "I want her back, Danny."

This time when Danny put his hand on her arm she didn't move. She sobbed even more so he got onto the side of the bed next to her and pulled her into his arms. "I want my baby back," she said clinging onto him as she cried into his chest. Finally letting him in after all of this time, she just let go.

He gently stroked the top of her head as he rocked her slowly side to side. "I know. I know."

"Don't leave me."

"I'm _not_ going anywhere."

**TBC:::**

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**AN2: **Yay no cliffhangers! haha. I thought it was slightly more fluffy than I meant to make it, It is also very sad, I cried at the end lol. Well I hope you all liked it anyway.

Read **&** Review, please :)

Lila.

Ps. Okay, only a couple of people have mentioned it... spelling and grammar, well I do try to edit it the best I can... I'm sorry if it isn't that well done, I try though.

xxo**BYE**xxo


	8. A New Sense of Trust

**Disclaimer: **If I did own them, my my would things be different, believe me. _-Sigh-... _'Far Away.' Belongs to Nickelback.. if you play this song I instantly start crying.. lol.

**AN: **I don't have much to say other than thank you all for being patient enough to wait for updates! I was having some computer problems, then my muse decided to be extra temperamental and have a writers block.

Thank you...

_**InOvrMyHead4Life**, **Shelbers**, **prplerayne**,_Thank you again :) _**jasminekpk**, _I'm SO glad that you enjoy what I write and that you felt the emotion._ **chili-peppers**, _As always thank you for your such lovely reviews_. **Ari-Griffin**, _Aww thanks!..._ crazychic, _LOL I'm happy you like my cliffies roflol ;P **_ReJo_** thank you.

Hope you like this one...

**I dedicate this chapter to: _mj0621._**

**You've always been there for me as both a friend and a writer, I love ya my shippy nutter! D**

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 8::: "A New Sense of Trust."**

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_This time, This place_

_Misused, Mistakes_

_Too long, Too late_

_Who was I to make you wait_

_Just one chance_

_Just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

_'Cause you know,_

_you know, you know_

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me_

_and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if_

_I don't see you anymore_

_On my knees, I'll ask_

_Last chance for one last dance_

_'Cause with you, I'd withstand_

_All of hell to hold your hand_

_I'd give it all_

_I'd give for us_

_Give anything but I won't give up_

_'Cause you know,_

_you know, you know..._

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As he stood outside all Danny could hear was the faint sound of wind sweeping around past him making rustling sounds as it blew through the leaves that had already started to fall. He shivered slightly, the temperature dropping as the weather went into autumn.

He leant up against the wall he had leant on days before, then, he was worried, lost, confused and to a certain point.. unsure of what to think or feel. Now though.. now he was somewhere in the middle. Lindsay waking up had changed so many things, the actual affect was a lot stronger than he knew. Now, he was in an odd balance of everything... just waiting to see which side it would sway to. That, he didn't have any control over, maybe no-one ever did.

He looked up at the night sky that almost had a white gleam to it from the moon, as he thought about what had happened earlier.. She had let him in.. maybe not all the way, but she had shown that him being there was not the wrong thing. So he had got something right, and even if he got the small things right, it made a difference in the long run. Knowing that slowly somethings out of the mess did sort themselves out with a little help and gut instinct... and probably more importantly, the feelings that they had for each-other.

Danny had dealt with his feelings for her and learned to live with them, they had even became apart of who he was. Lindsay on the other hand, well, she was still in some shock, maybe over Megan.. but mostly over him. That being why he stood there trying to clear his head which turned out to be pointless since all the things clouding his mind were not something fresh air could cure.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who comes here to think."

Danny turned and managed a smile, "At 3:20 in the morning?"

Susan shrugged, "This early, I can't tell the difference between now and four in the afternoon."

"So this is your four o'clock eh?" He chuckled, burying his hands into his coat pocket for warmth.

She walked over and leant on the wall next to him, "If this were my four o'clock I should be worried, I would be inside changing bed pans.. or listening to bed 'c' complain that I sabotaged his bed, and then spend half and hour trying to convince bed '2A' that I didn't poison her jello," she replied shaking her head as she recalled the crazy patient.

That got a laugh out of him, "Man, and I thought _I_ met some odd people in my job."

"Odd? The lady thinks that I go around poisoning jello, I think there is a point when oddness just crosses the line into insanity," she said chuckling.

"Agreed. Ever thought of like moving her to the psychiatric ward?"

"If only. Damn regulations, if she is competent enough to tie her shoe laces and know off by heart all the medication she takes, then she is legally sane. Can you believe that? Maybe I should poison her jello, see if she can tell then."

"That would mean you premeditated her death, or intended to at-least try and kill her. Thats 20 to life for premeditated murder or 20 to 25 years for attempted murder."

She rolled her eyes, "Damn cop," she said with a slight smirk.

"Hey don't blame me, blame the crazy jello lady," he laughed.

They both went quiet, just listening to the night, or at that time morning. Susan knew he probably had a lot to be thinking about, so she didn't try and make him talk about too much. Maybe she did know him better than she thought, or maybe he was just one of those people that you become friends with... and with friends, you always know that there is something. Even if you can't really tell what exactly it is.

"I'm not sure what to do now." Danny randomly stated.

Susan looked over at him, "With what?" She asked, but already knew the scope of how many things he could be talking about.. and if she guessed, it was most probably-

"Lindsay."

She nodded, "She's awake, huh," she replied, understanding bit by bit where his state of mind was when it involved Lindsay, Even though with Lindsay.. there was no state of mind, only a whole load of disorientated mess of feelings that his brain could never translate into actual thoughts, probably the side effect of falling so hard for her, then losing her, then nearly losing her _again_. That had to have some sort of effect on his mental state, wether it be small or.. in his case, on-going.

"It's weird. The whole thing. I can't even think around her... and I thought by now after all this I should have gotten past that," he said, with a deep sigh.

Susan nodded again, "Okay. Think about it this way, your job is about solving puzzles right? Following the clues, until you find the answer?"

"Right."

"All it is, is that both your feelings are the clues.. ever so subtle, but still there. And eventually it will all come together, showing you how things are meant to be," she explained, shifting the weight in her legs from side to side.

Danny thought over what she said for a couple of minutes, "And you're not a shrink, why?"

"Could never stand saying 'And how do you feel about that' without a fit of hysterical laughter. And besides, I deal with enough head-cases, it's like non-stop therapy everyday.. the things people tell nurses," she said with a shake of her head.

"I bet a lot of things you really don't want to know."

"You have no idea. It's scary. Anyway, nurses are therapists in their own way. Look at me for instance, I'm standing outside at three in the morning.. okay maybe not by choice-- I am hiding from Patricia, the boss around here. So, I'm here and I am helping you see what you can't, but in the end you _can_ see what is right in-front of you... it just isn't what you think it is." Susan said smiling at him warmly before walking back inside. Leaving him standing there, thinking about it.

Danny titled his head in thought. Somehow he just didn't know what she meant. 'It just isn't what you think it is'... what wasn't he seeing?

Maybe all of the deep emotional thinking was too much on his sleep deprived brain. But that didn't stop his mind from whirling as he walked up to the fifth floor where Lindsay was. He hadn't been in her room for awhile, not since that afternoon. She needed space, he knew that. Or maybe they both did. It could be that they were both afraid of not each-other, but what happened when they were together... all bets were off, their feelings got a mind of their own and betrayed what both of them had been trying not to do. But trying to do the impossible.. well it just didn't work.

Danny slowed his pace as he stepped out of stairwell door, as it turned out.. even if it was in-fact impossible.. it didn't stop either of them from doing it anyway. Because they were in a way avoiding everything, not everything but all of the things that mattered the most. Like love. That was a big no-no. Not that everything would shatter if they talked or let that enter any of it. Was it so bad if they admitted, no matter what had happened, that they still loved each-other?

He wasn't sure. Who was he kidding, of course he was sure. He was so damn sure that it hurt his head if he thought it one more time. Problem was that nothing at all could make him say something, and that wouldn't help in the slightest since Lindsay wasn't going to either. In short, they were both one-hundred percent stubborn.

Fighting a yawn he opened the room door slowly, and stopped as he saw the sight in-front of him. Lindsay always had problems sleeping.. and as it turned out, she still did. He smiled at the fact she still had those old habits that he remembered. Lindsay stood by the window, blanket rapped around her as she stood in the dark room, the only light coming from the out-side street lamps.

He knocked on the open door, letting her know he was there. She turned and just looked at him for a second. As if she was taking a mental picture of the moment, or she could of been thinking up ideas to get rid of him. But he was hoping for a more easy option. He watched her, seeing her mind working as she stood there, her hair all bed-head like.. and the dim of light from outside falling over her. He thought she looked beautiful. Maybe that was what he was missing, communication.

Once upon a time he would have told her that. Or communication was just something that was on the long and ever increasing list of things needed to be repaired between them. He had never been one for talking, and with her, now, it made a perfect opportunity from him to just keep doing it. But he wanted that to stop. He wanted to tell her when he thought she looked beautiful, tell her that she meant more than anything to him, that her and him having Megan was the second best thing he had ever done in his life... the first thing being falling in love with her. Now _that_ he wanted to tell her, he needed to let her know just what she meant to him, how nothing seemed to have an importance in the world.. nothing that is.. but her.

"Hey," he said gently, still on uncommon ground as to where or what was going on with them.

She pulled the blanket closer to her and she nodded, "Hi."

"Couldn't sleep?"

Maybe it was lack of sleep, the fact that the room was dark... or he could of sworn that there was a slight smile on the edges of her mouth.

"No more than normal," she replied sitting down on the edge of the hospital bed.

He closed the door and walked over but was hesitant to sit down next to her. He also didn't know what to say to her, it had been like that earlier after he had held her as she cried. It was the reason he was probably more confused about everything. She had let him in, but she couldn't really.. not properly. So it had gone forward only to rebound and go back again.

Lindsay looked up then over at him, as if she wanted to say something to him. But was either afraid, or unsure if saying anything was sensible in her state of emotion.

Knowing they had to discuss it, and since they didn't get a chance before, he walked over to the nearest chair and sat down. "Since we got the letter three days late, that means we have four days to figure out what we are going to do," he said, taking off his glasses tiredly.

"_If_ we can figure it out," she pointed out. Tiredness showing in her too, her voice almost weak.

Danny took a leap.. or a death wish. Either way he knew his life was screwed. "You forget-- Montana," he took a breath, recovering from the effort it took to finally saying it. "Once a CSI... always a CSI."

"It's supposed to be 'Once a cop'," she replied without knowing that she had just accepted that they had just talked like normal. _And_ he had called her a nickname that by then had piles of dust on it from not being used in a long time. ".. Dumb-ass," she muttered under her breath as she lay back onto the bed.

He put a hand to his mouth to hide his smirk. It never occurred to him _or_ her that somehow something between them had changed, not completely, not even enough to be noticeable.. but it had. They had both been so busy trying not to feel anything for each-other and refusing to deal with all the problems that they had ended up meeting in-between all the mess. Silently they had and were making underlying progress. Maybe Susan knew that, it _was_ right in-front of him... it was Lindsay.

Sensing that the tension was less suffocating he looked over at her, "How are you feeling?"

"Horrible. Use-less.. I am sitting in here, with no idea where my daughter is, and I can't do anything! I can't help her! A whole load of help my skills as a CSI has done for me now, eh. A load of good they are now," she said, staring at the ceiling.

Danny got up and walked over to her, "You're her mother first. You are meant to worry and feel like this. If you didn't I would be worried. We are going to find her."

"You don't know that though," she said shaking her head. "Do you?" she asked looking at him as good as she could in the dark.

"No."

She put her hands over her face and let out a deep breath.

"But--- I do know that we can try," he replied sitting down on the end of the bed next to her legs.

"We?" she asked, her hands still covering her face, muffling her voice slightly.

"She's my daughter, and you... you are family, one way or another."

Lindsay sat up, surprising him a little. Them being closer to each-other than they had been trying to avoid.

She looked at him, again thinking silently. "Family don't hurt each-other," she said solemnly.

He hung his head, "I-"

"Not you," she corrected, "Me."

His head shot up and he locked gaze with her, seeing lots of hurt and pain.

"I hurt you," she stated, as if it just came to her.. as if she just realized it for the first time. Forgetting everything else that had happened, instead thinking not of him.. but about him. She had blocked him out so much for so many years that he had become someone that she only remembered as the thoughts she had of the past. But him, actual him, she had lost that. And as was becoming clear.. she had missed him.

"I deserved it," he replied. Somehow they both had something to say, all the things they should of sorted out, dealt with back then, now was coming out. And for Lindsay, it was guilt...

She shook her head, "I never listened to you first, I just left."

"I shouldn't have let you go," he said, suddenly taking the guilt straight off her. Always helping her, wanting to make all her problems disappear. Guilt was something he thought she shouldn't had to deal with, sure she had done somethings that had hurt him... leaving, being one of them. But what he had done, that deserved guilt, so if anyone had to be guilty. It was him.

"What happened?" She asked. The reality of how everything had happened back then, how they had _both_ given up what they had together, and ended up paying the price for it.. three years in their own personal emotional hell's.

Again, they where on the same page. "I don't know. I guess we both ran, maybe it just wasn't meant to work."

"Hmm," she nodded, "I guess."

Danny got up and walked over to the side table, picked up the piles of case files and came back over. Sitting down he went through the pile and found one he was looking for. "We can do this though," he said passing one to her.

She took it and gave a unsure slight smile, "For Megan."

"No harm came from trying," he replied folding his legs in onto the bed and toeing off his shoes, then shrugging off his jacket, laying it over the end of the bed.

"No harm," she asked, "This coming from a man who thought doing his own blonde high-lights for his hair was a smart idea, and would save him money. Save money? Yes. Smart? No."

Danny genuinely smiled, whatever had changed, he loved the change, "How was I supposed to know that It would die my hair red?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes, "Its a small thing called instructions."

He opened another file and flipped through some notes, "Yeah. Well. Maybe if they didn't print them in swedish, I might of been able to."

"You could of asked me to read it for you," she replied from behind a file.

"You can read swedish?"

"No. Idiot. I can read spanish."

"There weren't any spanish instructions.. only German, Swedish, Chinese, Italian, and another one I couldn't even tell _what_ it was."

"You just said italian," she eyed him over the top of another folder.

He looked up, "Yeah. So?"

"Sometime I swear," she muttered shaking her head.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Lindsay lowered the file in her hand, "Oh. My. God."

"What, what?" He asked worried, he looked at her then took the file from her hand.

"They want information on you, it wasn't about Sassone at all," she concluded.

Danny read over it all then looked up at her with a small smile, still not having all the confidence to act completely normal around her. "Once a CSI-"

She put up her hands, "Alright, I get it."

"So, what do we do now?"

"Wow. That sure has a double meaning to it," she replied, obviously thinking out-loud. Maybe things were becoming more at ease than they had noticed.

"I meant with this," he said waving the file.

"We'll tell Detective Porter in the morning, if he hasn't figured it out already."

"And beat you, Monroe?"

"Things don't just go back to the way they were, Danny."

He nodded, "I know."

"It's late."

"Yeah. We should get some sleep."

"Uh-"

"I always keep my promises. I'll be right over there."

She shook her head lightly but smiled, "I was going to say thank you."

"For what?"

"For being you. I guess somehow the last thing you expect ends up helping," she replied.

Danny just looked at her, "Good-night, Danny." She said pulling the covers over herself.

He blinked, "Uh..good-night."

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He had sat in the chair watching her sleep for a couple of hours, before he knew it, the clock read seven am. No matter how tired he was... just watching her as she lay there so peacefully, had a calming effect.. her face, her hair, just her... made him calm. And warm.

He smiled at the form of the woman who had been in his life one way or another for nearly four years. She stirred in her sleep and his mind discarded any earlier fears as he leaned over and endearingly brushed some of her hair off her face, letting his fingers linger on her cheek. Even in her sleep he could sense her, everything about her.. her strong, determination, sweetness, loving... and bold personality she was. He loved that more than anything, she was his equal, as Stella had said to him once. But in his eyes, she was so much more than him... she was his hero. She had saved him, so many times.. she trusted him without a second thought, and she loved him... a love that didn't have any boundaries, or catches... just love.

Maybe he missed that between them the most. Love.

He wasn't sure what she felt for him, especially now they had a child. For all he knew, Lindsay felt obliged to love him in a way, after all he was the 'Dad'... if the mom didn't loved the little girls Daddy then that would seem odd. He had always been sure... sure that he would get out of the life that he had been in, make something of himself. He had been sure that he liked having a free lifestyle, one that didn't include any hitches. Sure that he had fallen for his country curly haired coworker, who in turn he had learned to love her through small things such as 'Montana.'... and he was even sure that he would never leave her in the hospital, he even wanted to stay with her after she got out... find Megan too.

What he wasn't sure of, was that they would be _together_. That she would actually even want to love him. She didn't need him, he had no actual value. Yet he stayed.

He let his mind wonder, not noticing that Lindsay had woken. As soon as she had woken up a couple of minutes ago she knew immediately that he was lost in thought, and she didn't want to disturb him. Not only was he thinking but he was holding her hand, that somehow didn't bother her in the slightest.

She gazed over his face, his frown lines, jaw line, eyes, cheeks.. even his stubble. Which by the looks of it needed shaving at that point. She had always loved just to watch him. Maybe that was why he hadn't noticed, old ways going back or maybe not all the way back into full gear, but nearly. When a look of guilt or sorrow, probably both crossed his face she lifted her hand and placed it on his cheek.

He blinked and came back to his surroundings, responding to her touch mostly, the feel of her warm small hand on his cheek made his whole body stand on alert but excited. He looked down at her and saw her staring straight at him, he had to stop himself from trying to avoid eye-contact.. a habit he had gotten used to just to avoid questions. And he saw not hurt, even though he knew it was still there somewhere out of sight. Not guilt, and not worry or a hint of distress. Nothing, but pure concern... and... well... he knew he was kidding if he thought that what he saw was love. Because after all of it, that emotion toward him, and from her. Was unthinkable.

"Danny," she said quietly, knowing that his mind was still thinking over things.

He blinked again, "Hmm."

She didn't reply, just sat up and patted next to her. Slowly he walked over to the other side and sat down next to her. They looked at each-other for a minute before either said something.

"It's still early, you should get some more rest," he said, his voice quiet too.

"I can't sleep. I need to know you're here," she replied. He heard that she was silently saying, 'Hold me.' So he waited for her to lie down and moved over to beside her, pulling the covers over them.

Lindsay closed her eyes as a sudden wave of trust hit her. She leaned back and for just that moment there was nothing, no pain, no mistakes, no kidnappings and heartbreak. Just them laying there...

She could say that she loved him, but it wasn't time to say it she thought. When she did admit it, it would be because she could openly say it... and it wouldn't be _because_ of something.

It would be a tough journey before the link between them was together. But she had her sleeves rolled up and was ready for whatever lay ahead.

After all, she was his Montana.

**TBC:::**

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Again sorry for delay. :)

So, there's a little button on the bottom of this page... mind pressing it and letting me know what you thought? LOL

Thank you all for your support even though I keep saying it, but that's because it's true! hehe.

**Lila x**


	9. How Is This Different?

**Disclaimer: Own nothing. Want all. Need all. But will never own anything.**

**AN: First off. No I am not dead. Haha. And OMG. I am a horrible, horrible, horrible, updater.. I am so sorry! It took me SO long to update. Feel free to yell at me or throw M&M's at me. As much as that might hurt :P**

I think I was suffering from low-confidence, thinking that everyone else was way better than me. Which they are... but anyways.

_tv freak 92, Pepite, LiaBelle, Shelbers, Devilla, ReJo, InOvrMyHead4Life, all the glitters, lyss02, prplerayne, mj0621, chili-peppers._

_**THANK YOU ALL!! **_

_**M&M'S for everyone-!! eek.**_

**Oh... and the angst-ness returns! mwhuahaha. You didn't really think everything was all nice and peachy now did you? Silly fools. :D**

Ps. Brittney gave me the song. And I thought it worked so... THANKS! ma' grillows sista XD WUB YOU.

Ah and since it had been requested. I wrote a flashback.

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**There's No Going Back.**

By: Lila Wills.

**Chapter 9::: "How Is This Different?"**

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_...Hours slide and days go by_

_Till you decide to come_

_And in between it always seems too long_

_All of a sudden_

_And I have the skill, yeah I have the will_

_To breathe you in while I can_

_However long you stay_

_Is all that I am_

_I don't mind..._

_I don't care..._

_As long as you're here_

_Go ahead tell me you'll leave again_

_You'll just come back running_

_Holding your scarred heart in hand_

_It's all the same_

_And I'll take you for who you are_

_If you take me for everything_

_Do it all over again_

_It's always the same_

_Wrong or right_

_Black or white_

_If I close my eyes_

_It's all the same_

_In my life_

_The compromise_

_I close my eyes_

_It's all the same_

_Go ahead say it you're leaving_

_You'll just come back running_

_Holding your scarred heart in hand_

_It's all the same_

_And I'll take you for who you are_

_If you take me for everything_

_Do it all over again_

_It's all the same..._

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When things break... the break... they become unfixable, torn in two. Separated... and disconnected to one-another.

Relationships are built in stages. What if you skipped the first few, built on it and then forgot to support it. Things were eventually destined to fail. Fall..

_Break._

Lindsay stood in-front of the hospital's bathroom mirror. Her pale refection looking back at her, what was left of her. The things, moments, had changed her from what she used to be, drained her of all happiness only to be replaced by emptiness. She was a hollow shell, her emotions just whirling about inside floating in a repeat motion, there was no time... no date... nothing existed. How she was even to blink or talk was unknown to her. Right at that second all she knew was that she was broken.

She continued to stare at herself, the feeling of detachment washed through her, she didn't know this person, she didn't want to be this person, she had no idea why she had to be that person. Who was she anymore? Was she just an invisible person... a invisible person with problems, a broken heart.. and an invisible person who had nothing left. She was alone again, only this time, it was her battling with herself. She didn't know what or why she felt these things. Not even _him_ could bring her out of the dark black hole she had sunken into. Yesterday she had come up for air, Danny had pulled her out, but she was struggling to hold that fight to hold on.

She closed her eyes, not able to stare at herself any longer. She just wished that the world would stop, stop torturing her. She loved Danny with all of her heart... even if it was broken, whatever pieces were left held onto him, clawing their way toward the man that seemed to see her... she was no longer invisible when those blue eyes settled onto her, he saw her, all of her, even if she couldn't. But Megan--- Megan was her other half, Megan held the answers to her situation.

If she were to lose her... if she were to disappear from the world, the child that was connected to her with every fiber in her being...

Then maybe she would make the world stop. She wasn't suicidal. She just wanted it all to stop. Make the numbness leave her alone... just to go and never cause her to become so damaged again.

When she opened her eyes, she saw tears rolling down her face, her face showing what she had become far too used to. She wiped them but it didn't hold them in... nothing could. She was in mourning for who she was, she had lost herself in the turmoil of all the wreckage.

But Lindsay knew... that if she found Megan..

She would find herself.

_"Miss Monroe. You're having a girl."_

_"Really?" Lindsay's face lightened up, she just couldn't keep the smile off her face. She was so happy that the Doctor smiled in slight amusement._

_"Yes. She's very healthy. Would you like to hear her heartbeat?"_

_"YES!" Lindsay put a hand to her face and blushed, "Sorry, yes please. If that's okay."_

_"Of course it is. She's your baby, here you go." The doctor moved the transducer over Lindsay's abdomen._

_At first it was faint, then slowly the sound of a small 'thump-thump-thump' filled the room. Lindsay's mouth went dry and she just couldn't help but stare at the ultrasound monitor, the little black & white picture... the little baby._

_She was going to be a mother, she was going to have a baby, she couldn't have been... more terrified in her life. But hearing that heartbeat, filled her with so much love and amazement that Lindsay started to tear up, all the emotion overwhelming her._

_Dr. Harriet Newton smiled and passed Lindsay the tissue box, one wasn't going to be enough today._

_"I'm going to have a daughter." Was all she managed to say before grabbing another tissue in her hand. Laughter mixed with the tears. And she finally felt like she was doing something meaningful. She was right then, perfectly happy, hence the tears. They were happy tears._

Those tears she could have cried over and over again, but the ones that replaced them now... were painful.

Everything can be replaced, a shattered plate, a broken lamp shade, but how do you replace a child. You can't. And that was scaring Lindsay so much that she felt as though she might just die from fear. If there was such a thing as hell, they didn't know what the meaning of the word even meant.

"Lindsay?"

She blinked, quickly brushing the stray tears that had fallen down her cheeks. Leaning over she splashed water over her face, temporally washing away her pain. Only enough so that she could go out into the world where no-one knew what happened when she was alone, alone with her pain, alone with her hurt, sadness... alone and lost.

"Yeah. I'm in here," she called back pushing back the hair from her forehead.

"Are you okay?" Danny asked walking in, standing behind her, looking over her in concern.

"What's okay?" She asked in a flat tone.

Danny's face wrinkled into a frown, he was observing her, not that he hadn't noticed the change in her personality... what he didn't understand was how it could of happened so fast. And why she wouldn't talk to him. He was one-hundred percent into this with her, but being let in, then being kept out. He wasn't sure how much more his mind, let alone his heart could take of it. But never was he going to abandon her. She was everything.. and all that ever meant anything.

Silently without so much of a glance at him, Lindsay walked into the hospital room and over to the window. Staring aimlessly out of it.

"Lindsay?" Danny put down the paperwork in his hands and went up next to her.

"Lindsay." He tried once more to get her to trust him, he thought she did. He didn't want to find out he was wrong. He wouldn't be able to take that.

"Is everything done?" She asked, again blocking off herself from herself and from him. But unlike herself, if she kept blocking him off, she knew he would give up eventually. But what hurt her under all of it was that she wanted him to give up, see that she was nothing but a problem to him, baggage. Then somehow like he knew, he would show her just how much he was going to keep trying. Showing her that he was stubborn, stubborn to love her. Was that such a bad thing? Did she want to be this way forever. Would she be able to be this way without his being there?.. what _would_ go wrong if he was never there?

Danny frowned slightly seeing that trying to get through to her was going to be harder than just a 'are you okay', something was going on with her. He could feel it, he could see it in her eyes, they were dead, dull.. and other than the few simple questions she wasn't talking either.

"Basically. We just need to go and get your med's and stuff, things to sign and we can go," he replied, sinking his hands into his pockets. Lindsay was getting released from the hospital, he thought that she would have been happier, he thought that he would have been happier.. but on a level that they seemed to share, they knew that going out of the hospital would mean going back outside into the real world. There would be no avoiding everything.

Danny knew he had to raise his game, needed to be prepared for the fact that as soon as she had left the hospital, got back to her life outside the comfort of the hospital that they had been given for the past week, that she could change her mind. Decide that she didn't need him.

He was scared she didn't want him.

Lindsay remained silent. Her back still to him, he hoped that he hadn't possibly done something.. maybe it was the fact he was sleep deprived, or emotional drained.. or it could have been that he was paranoid. But he had a reason to be paranoid. This was a make or break situation, not one, but every second he remembered to tread carefully, he could blink and that would be it. His connection to her gone.

Taking a quiet breath he placed his hand on her shoulder. She didn't flinch. His worry that she was put off by him evaporated. But she didn't turn to him, nothing. She just stood there.

A thought crossed his mind. Was she in mourning? Was she mentally and emotionally preparing herself for the death of her daughter, their daughter. He wanted to tell her that everything would be okay, that they would find her, but in truth the only answers he had just became more questions.

He squeezed her shoulder lightly, showing that he was there, just like he would always be. Hopefully she knew that. He prayed that she knew that. She was not alone in this. Not for a second.

Picking up all the case files and other things from the room, even though there was very few things, most of it being food containers and such. Danny opened the hospital room door for Lindsay and waited for her to walk through before shutting it behind them. He was both extremely nervous about leaving their sort of comfort bubble in the hospital, and highly relived that they could leave. Hospital's were not the most happiest of places. Although their status in things wasn't exactly cheery and happy. In a way the hospital surroundings gave them the security that they had needed to get past at-lease the one wall that separated them. Without that, Danny would probably have never know what to say, things may have gone worse, she could have... she could have done a lot. He was just thankful that they had got through what they had, he was thinking only of taking it step by step, and piece by piece as it were.

As they walked to the desk there was hints of tension, from his nerves? Or from Lindsay? He looked over at her, hoping to see some sort of give away to her emotional state or her line of thinking, but it was blank, not cold, just... blank. And it worried him.

Susan handed the chart in her hand over to the nearest nurse and walked over to the main desk. She studied the two as she approached, their posture showed that they weren't completely opposed to each-other. But Susan's concentration went to Lindsay. If she thought that the look on Danny's face the day he had walked into the ER was so painful and overwhelming.. then this was entirely different, Lindsay's face was pale.. not unusual for a former coma patient, being in a coma affected a lot of the bodies bodily temperatures and other affects, but this color was drained. It was about three shades from being gray, and her eyes betrayed her... red at the rims and dark, giving the illusion they were hollow. Next Susan's gaze fell on Danny, she noted he looked more rested, also that something was eating away at him, his posture; his shoulders slumped slightly, constantly changing the weight in his legs from one foot to the other. Nerves? Sure there was about a million reasons why he should be nervous, other than he still was lost in the emotion status between him and Lindsay, from what he had told her... he was nervous because it was going to be time to face up to it. Time to once and for all make... or

_Break.._

The relationship and possibly his heart, if that was even possible after the amount of damage it had sustained. Yes, Susan knew through both common sense and being a nurse that damaging your heart through emotions and loving someone so much it felt like it had been torn in two.. was very very highly impossible. But she knew also... that it was capable of doing that. And those two were the perfect example. It was saddening to see those two be used as examples, they had been in love, and they still were much to their ignorance of the fact. And they were meant to be happy. _They_ should be the happy people.

And they deserved it. But when that was going to happen. Susan didn't know that.. after all... she was just observing in the end. They were lost and as much as she would give anything to help, that was up to them. And she silently wished them luck.

"Danny. Ms Monroe," Susan greeted half professional, half genuinely warm. She may have got to know Danny, but with Lindsay, she knew that was not her place.

"Susan," Danny replied nodding his head in a friendly manner, showing the ease that he had around her since they had met.

Taking the forms from the other nurse, again steeping in. She handed them to Danny with a pen, knowing that he would give them to Lindsay. She was trying to help, even if it was just so that Danny had some familiarity.

"What's this?" Danny asked looking up from the page.

"Hospital policy, Ms Monroe just recovered from a coma. It's necessary in case of problems that could have been missed. Precaution really."

"Uh-"

Danny wasn't sure about this. Having Lindsay released into his custody was in their state.. a big deal.

Lindsay may have been depressed, in pain, lost, anything that she was feeling.. but she was still capable of being aware of what was going on around her. She took the form from Danny and read over it _'Lindsay Monroe to be placed into the custody of Daniel Messer for health reasons'_... Without a second thought she took the pen from his hand and signed her name under the desired place, then handing them both to Susan.

Susan nodded, she saw a slightly flicker of the Lindsay that Danny had talked of. Their was hope for these two, unlike some people, these two didn't pull apart from one-another when things got bad, they somehow got drawn in towards each-other. Subconsciously leaning on the other for both emotion support and... as Lindsay had ended up doing, leaning into Danny's shoulder.

"And here's the medication, the instructions are on the front of them," Susan explained before naming what each one was for. She handed them to Danny and then handed Lindsay her discharge papers that had been signed by the doctor.. leaving only hers to be signed.

Lindsay signed it and silently just wanted to leave... run... go anywhere, she didn't care. Her emotions were suffocating her, she needed to leave. Turning on her heels as she heard Susan utter the words 'That's everything'.. and made her way outside. Somewhere she hadn't been in what seemed like decades. The fresh crisp air blew through her hair and she closed her eyes, feeling like she was alone, somewhere else, just concentrating on the sounds of leaves and the wind whipping past her ears.

She felt something go round her and she opened her eyes to see Danny's placing his jacket over her. She didn't respond, speak, do anything. She just looked at him. Not staring. Not observing. Just looking at him, as if for the first time in three years. This was what she was afraid of, Danny wasn't the only one worried about what things would be like outside the hospital, she was as-well, only her thoughts weren't in much order.

Danny was there.

Danny had broken her heart.

But he was there.

_What did that mean?_

She closed her eyes and blocked out all the questions that were hounding her brain one after the other, she couldn't deal with that. Right then she had other things to worry about. Like her sanity.

"If you want, I know it says you've been released into my custody. But I can stay at a hotel. I don't mind," Danny said as they both looked off at everyday life going past two broken people who needed to be put together if it was ever going to start to heal.

She shook her head, coming back to somewhat reality. "No."

Danny looked at her with a questioning frown. "No?"

"I have a guest-room."

"Lindsay-" He tried reasoning with her, they were on thin ice. Staying in the same house was... unfamiliar, and a unsure territory.

Before he could finish Lindsay walked off in the direction of the road. Since her car was most definitely in a car pound, she looked for a taxi. Looking both ways she tried to block out the images that flashed in her head of the car accident. Spotting one she flagged it down.

Danny opened the door for her and she slid in, he slid into the seat after her. Giving the driver the address Lindsay sat back and looked again aimlessly out of a window. Watching the streets blur, people, trees, cars, everything going by. Before she had even noticed the taxi came to a stop. She didn't even realize that she had no money but didn't need to think about it as Danny handed the driver the fare.

Lindsay stepped out and looked up at the door at the top of the stairs. Suddenly getting a flash of when she had got the phone call. She closed her eyes but before Danny had gone to step closer to her she walked determined to stop thinking about it enough to get inside as she walked up the stairs. Danny followed behind her, feeling out of place, and unsure he should be there. He knew that she had suggested, well out right told him he was staying there.. but he felt unwelcome. Or was that his mind deceiving him. Sometimes he never knew.

With a slight shaky hand, something that Danny noticed immediately. She placed the keys in the lock and opened the door slowly. She saw that the bathroom light was still on from that day. She mentally stilled before walking in, placing the keys on the side table. Deliberately not looking at the phone that still lay disconnected. Danny's eyes scanned over the front entrance, taking in each detail, it all screamed Lindsay at him. And that calmed him without him even noticing.

"I'll be right back," Lindsay said already making her way to the bathroom.

Danny watched her go and ran his hand over his face, feeling the affects of everything more than he had before, he looked at the phone and knew why it was in a mess.. he had gotten a very similar phone call. One that had almost made his heart stop. He became curious and walked more into the house, finding himself in the living room.

One thing that stood out was the children's toys, girls toys; barbies, dolls, even a plastic cooking set. He smiled when he saw a pink baseball bat. Megan may be all girly, dolls and all, but she had good taste in sports. His daughter indeed. It warmed his heart to see her things, even to just be in Lindsay's and her house made him excited but that feeling fell short quickly as reality that the only thing missing from the picture was actually Megan came back to him.

He felt someone standing behind him and saw Lindsay standing there, bags under her eyes were a deepening blue and her face was tense with exhaustion.

"It's nice," Danny commented, suddenly feeling shy, being where Lindsay lived.. and had been living while he had been in New York.

Again, Lindsay ignored the question, anything personal she seemed to block. Another thing that her depression had caused. "What's happening with work?"

He tried not to act thrown by the fact she was ignoring any questions unless they were straight forward. He felt his heart ache a little each time. He needed her to let him in... he just needed her. "Got time off. I should really call Mac, I promised I'd call."

Lindsay rapped her arms around herself, "There's a phone in the hall."

He silently asked her if she was sure about him using the phone. She just walked off in what he could only guess was the kitchen. Sighing openly when she had gone he went to use the phone. Dialing the memorized number he listened to the dial tone before it picked up, to go to answer machine.

_'You've reached Detective Mac Taylor. CSI supervisor. I'm not here, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you shortly.'_

Glancing at his watch Danny guessed that Mac was probably catching some sleep, which came so rarely. Hanging up he followed the faint sounds from down the hall and walked into the kitchen.

"Got his answer machine. He is probably trying to get some sleep," he said almost quietly, to alert her of his presence.. and in a way he was worried that he might hurt her. It may have been unnecessary, but he was taking no chances. None.

Lindsay turned around and wiped her hands on the nearest kitchen towel. She avoided his eye-line.. again. But it didn't surprise him, he swallowed. He knew this or something was bound to happen. She was going to react to him being there. But at the moment it was only in small hardly noticeable actions.

Her mind and her heart may have been in a whirlwind but her whole body had one thing in common, she was tied. But even if she did want sleep, which she didn't, she wasn't going to. "I'm going to take a shower. If you want you can have one after me?" She said once again being straight to the point.

Danny nodded, his hands finding their place in his jean pockets in his nervous habit. "Sure. I'm.. um waiting in there." He pointed over his shoulder toward the living room.

Lindsay gave a faint nod and walked off and to the stairs. When she got to the bathroom she shut the door behind her, locked it and lent on it, letting out the breath she didn't even know she had been holding. Sliding down the door to the floor she took the moment to pull herself together. Then sure she was steady she got up and got into the shower. Instantly she felt some of the tension leave her muscles, and the hospital smell being replaced by vanilla and mango. She felt the hot water run over her, everything stopped if just for that moment and she relaxed. After washing her hair and rinsing it she stepped out feeling more relaxed and refreshed, not happier or any-less depressed... and the pain was still there. But she did feel better.

Changing into some sweats she got a spare towel and placed it on the edge of the bathtub before going back downstairs. The thing she had always loved about the house was that even though it was just her and Megan, the house always felt full, never hollow or empty, just warm... like home. Something that was never really real, growing up was the normal country way, but this was different since it was _her_ home. The last time she was close to that.. was with Danny. She had always thought that wherever he was... was home.. but now he was there. In her home. What did that mean? What did any of it mean? Would she ever figure it out?

Surprisingly they managed to communicate with very few words, Danny had taken a shower and ordered some take-out. And they now sat in the living room on the floor with the files laid out on the coffee table.

After the third yawn in two minutes. Lindsay was starting to tire even more. Danny suggested that they get some sleep. She agreed and they walked upstairs. Lindsay showed him down the hall and into the guest-room.

"Goodnight, Lindsay," he said trying to get some sort of connection out of her. he would have hugged her goodnight, but not now, they weren't that open.

"Goodnight," she responded and left him alone in the room.

When he had heard her soft footsteps echo off down the hall he let out a deep sigh out into the dark room, only the moon-light glowing through the blinds on the window. He stood there for a couple of minutes, mostly inwardly stopping himself from going to be near Lindsay, he wanted to feel her, hold her, just be able to grasp onto the fact she was there. But if things were to continue like they were... that only slight wall that had been haunting their relationship.. was going to escalate. And he wasn't sure how to even try to get through that, if it happened. Would it happen? With all his heart he didn't want to think about it. If he had to be in pure denial, then he would.

Tiredness clouded his thought process as he went over to the bed, just about dropping himself on it. His brain and his body was screaming at him to sleep, but he couldn't.. there was so much to sort out. His mind back-tracked over every detail from the day.. hoping to find a glimmer of something, any spec of light to.. hell, he didn't know what he was hoping to find. Sometimes he really hated the fact he was payed to analyze situations and people, because right then.. the last thing he wanted to do was take a closer look at the mess. A mess that he had actually caused in the first place.

_'You idiot,' _He thought. Before he could lecture himself, drive himself more out of control with theory and possible insights to his own stupidity, his body made the most rational decision he had made in most probably days... and forced him into a greatly needed sleep.

About three hours later of a comatose state of sleep, Danny blinked his eyes open. Maybe he was psychic, although if he was then maybe-- sitting upright he tried to stop thinking, a hard thing to do, but instead it was replaced by worry. The tale-tale signs that Lindsay was depressed didn't go unnoticed to him, after all since he had got to Philadelphia, all he seemed to have was tunnel vision... of Lindsay. And nothing but Lindsay. The only constant thing he seemed to have, he thought as he pulled himself onto his feet, his legs protested.. but he made his way out into the hall before it had registered.

Slowly he walked in the direction of what he could only guess as Lindsay's room. He adjusted his glasses as he tried to wake up in the slightest, glancing at a near-by clock on the wall he groaned a little. _2:45._ Great, it turned out that even when he did sleep.. it never lasted. A lot like everything it seemed.

He came to the main bedroom door, it was open so he peered in. The bed had obviously had been slept in some-what.. but it now lay empty. Danny stilled himself from panicking. She wouldn't do anything stupid. Oh who was he kidding he thought dryly, he was the one to worry about when it came to that. Lindsay had always had her head on her shoulders.. but now, this Lindsay was different from the Lindsay he knew.

Back-tracking into the hall he looked around and caught a shadow near the entrance to the door down the end of the hallway near the bathroom. Following his curiosity and a guess he walked down to the open doorway. Sure enough, he found Lindsay in the room. It was Megan's room.

She stood there in the dark, just standing there. He wondered if she was okay. Even though he knew she was so far from it, it only made his heart break ever so slightly again seeing her in this state of... detachment. He wanted her back. He wanted _Lindsay_ back. But no matter what she was going through... he loved every part and everything about her. He just couldn't help it. His heart made that decision a long time ago, and set it in stone. He was just following it's orders. Or it would stop beating. She kept him alive, no matter what any scientific look on it might disagree. Lindsay Monroe kept him breathing.

Even if she was barely hanging on.

He had always wondered if she always knew what he was thinking because she turned around and looked at him as well as she could in the darkened room. But when he saw that her face was puffy and she strands of her hair clung to her cheeks he ceased to think. She had been crying. Over him? Over Megan? Over both? Did he do something to upset her? Paranoia seemed to be the only thing he seemed to repeat more than any of it. But right then Lindsay was more of a priority so he pushed it aside and came into the room.

Lindsay's breathing was deep and slow, she was still trying to calm herself down. It wasn't that she couldn't sleep. It wasn't over Megan, well that did come into it... but this time... she was slightly mad. Annoyed, angry, beside herself. All her blankness now cracking at the seams.

"Lindsay?" Danny went to go over to her, but stopped dead in place when she put up her hands as a sign she didn't want her to go near her. "Lindsay, don't lock me out," he pleaded.

"I'm not locking you out," she replied, the first time she had been straight with her emotions. And Danny saw that she was more like her old self then he had seen in.. well.. years. This wasn't the broken Lindsay, or upset, or anything he had seen in the past week. This time it was her, and he didn't know what in the world to do.

"You never apologized. You turn up. You expect me to just give you a free pass. I may have been in a coma, but I am not clueless, Danny," she said crossing her arms over her chest, it was not a defensive action, but more of a protective one.

"I never-"

"What? You never what?" She asked, her angry tone now breaking as her tears got the best of her and began falling down her cheeks. "Break my heart? Almost ruin my life? You don't have any idea what pain is, isn't that what you said to me? Well, so that may be true. Maybe I didn't.. until I met you."

Danny didn't know what to do, his brain abandoned him and left everything blank. For once it wasn't swamping him with unanswered questions. Not what he needed now. Anything would do. What did he have to say? Probably nothing that could help now. "I didn't want to-"

"You really think that trying to tell me that you never meant anything is going to sit well with me? My daughter is missing, you turn up and think that suddenly because I am emotionally broken at the moment that you can slip back into my life. Well guess what! I've been just fine without you for quite some time now Danny," she said before stopping to pause as she chocked back more sobs. The tears just wouldn't stop now. She cursed herself for letting him see her cry.

Danny gave up on words. He had never had much success with fixing or doing just about anything with them, and with Lindsay.. they always ended up making things much much worse. He walked over to her despite the fact that she most definitely didn't want him near her. He placed his hand on her arm but she pulled it back.

"Don't you dare," she glared and then took some more breaths through the continuing of tears that had decided to ruin her anger.

Ignoring her glare and her anger he pulled her toward him. She hit his chest in protest. "You're an asshole," she tried to insult him but her sobs broke up all her words and she gave up saying anything else, she compensated as she kept hitting him.

He didn't complain, he knew there was going to be dark bruises, but it didn't matter. Finally her fists slowed down and she buried her face into his chest sobbing. "I hate you," she sobbed, barely audible.

"I love you," he mumbled into her hair as his own eyes welled up.

--------------------------

_.Flashback._

_Lindsay hummed a country love song from the CD Danny had gotten her for her birthday the week before as she sat in the break-room at the lab flipping through bridal magazines._

_"No. No. No. Yuck. Too pink. No. NO. Oh my god, NO!" Lindsay muttered then slammed the current one she was holding shut. This was hopeless, she had been going over them for weeks, they were going to get married next month. And she didn't even have a dress!_

_This was a complete disaster._

_Sighing she picked up her coffee and went over to the sink. Slowly pouring her coffee down into the drain. She was too frazzled. Caffeine was NOT what she needed. Tilting her head to one side she chewed on her bottom lip, hoping to figure out some idea of what she wanted to wear on what was going to be the best day of her life. She was getting married!_

_A wide toothy grin spread onto her face. She wasn't just getting married. She was marrying Danny Messer. A small sigh escaped her lips._

_"Somebody is in looooove," Stella teased coming in with a smirk._

_"Love is so... love!" Lindsay replied laughing. "But wedding dresses are EVIL," she wrinkled up her face then blew her curly bangs out of the way._

_"I'm sure you'll find something. But mind you, Danny will marry you even if you turned up in a paper bag," Stella replied as she picked up one of the magazines and looked over the cover with a dreamy expression as she stared at the magical dresses. _

_Lindsay snorted. Not very girly like. But she was a country girl, country girls weren't all pampered and self obsessed, but it was a automatic response to Stella's statement. "Erm. No offense Stel, but a paper bag isn't the most flattering wedding dress, and I don't think Danny wants all the grooms-men ogling at his soon-to-be bride," she replied sitting back down in her chair with frustrated sigh._

_"Good point," Stella nodded picking up another brides catalogue._

_"I am never going to find a dress, there are SO many!" Lindsay hung her head back and looked at the ceiling._

_Flipping through the pages Stella smiled, "Wow. They are all so pretty," she cooed then glanced over the rest of the page. "FOUR-HUNDRED DOLLARS?!" Her eyes widened and she threw the magazine down with a look of horror. "Remind me never to get married. Or if I manage to find someone who wants to even marry me.. that I get married in jeans and a tank-top. I could buy a harley with that money."_

_Lindsay lifted her head back up and looked side-ways at Stella, "Since when would you buy a harley?"_

_"Well. I wouldn't, but I'm just saying. I **could** buy one.. if I wanted to," Stella shrugged then got up to get coffee._

_"I am going to run out of time! Then we will have to postpone the wedding! And then Danny might give up waiting! Oh my god! I am going to be a terrible wife! I can't even pick a dress! What if he decides that I am indecisive and changes his mind and takes back his proposal!" Lindsay started to freak out._

_"Lindsay Monroe. You need to CHILL out and breathe kiddo," Stella said placing her hands on the younger woman's shoulders._

_Lindsay breathed in the out and gave a nod, "Sorry."_

_"Danny would drag you off to Vegas and marry you now and get it done with if he could, but he wanted you to have a wedding you could remember, so stop all this nonsense about him changing his mind!" Stella said in a calming even tone._

_"Vegas? Really? Hmm. You know.. that isn't such a bad idea-" Lindsay's eyes lit up._

_Stella rolled her eyes and before Lindsay could think of another way of getting out of it, she picked up a couple of the catalogues and dropped them into Lindsay's lap. "You WILL find a dress. But I swear if you freak out again, I'll let Flack pick it out," Stella warned then bit her lip so she wouldn't laugh, "And just think.. if his choice in ties are that bad... imagine what he could do with a wedding dress," she said pointing a finger at the Montana native._

_Lindsay's eyes widened at the thought, "Okay! Okay! I'll figure something out," she gave in._

_"Have fun, sweetie. Oh and Mac said you can head home, you've been on a double, and he knows you are stressed, since I had yesterday off I'm gonna take care of the case," Stella said with a grin before strolling out as she sipped her coffee. Mac would probably kill her for drinking coffee around the lab, but she didn't care.. it was either coffee and walking... or no coffee and sleeping in his office. She grinned sort of evilly and walked toward the elevators on her way to PD._

_Lindsay half sighed in annoyance and excitement. The things that man caused her to do! She packed all the (evil) bridal magazines and grabbed her cell before heading out to the locker room. Then along with her bag, jacket and another bag with all the wedding things she went to the lab car-park and threw her bags into the back seat of her car. With one hand opening the car door she pulled her cell out of her jean pocket and pressed speed-dial 2. Number one being Mac her boss, and two being her fiancee. She smiled just staring at his name as it rang, before she knew it his voice filtered through the speaker. But it turned out to be his answer machine. 'That's odd.' she thought turning on the ignition and driving the car out of the lot. Shutting her phone as she waited for a green light she shrugged and thought maybe he was in the shower or popped out to get food._

_She guessed those things, among other thoughts that were highly... er... kinky. Shaking her head with a deep chuckle she turned on the radio on and sung along to the country station all the way to hers and Danny's apartment. The sun had long gone down, it being now near ten at night, she was tired and all she wanted to do was go home, take a bath... maybe not alone. She grinned. And curl up on the couch with some take-out and her and Danny under a blanket watching some chic-flick. One of Danny's little secrets. He loved chic-flicks. But he would gladly take that fact to his grave. He knew what would happen if people knew. Lord knows what Flack would say._

_When she got to the apartment she balanced all her bags as she fetched out her keys, placing them into the lock she half stumbled into the apartment, only just catching her balance as she got inside the dark apartment. She wondered why the lights weren't on. Power cut?_

_Then in the space of ten minutes five things happened._

_Clothes trail._

_Bedroom door._

_Woman in bed with Danny._

_Yelling._

_And finally... heartbreak._

_.End flashback._

--------------------------

Danny gently held her swaying them softy. After a few minutes passed her breathing evened out into noticeably tired deep shallow breaths. She looked up at him and with a look of complete and utter despair she almost whispered.

"How is this different, Danny? How do I know you won't do something to hurt me again?"

"All I can do is hope you try and trust me," he answered, tightening his grip around her waist, not wanting to let her go.

It was the most honest response he could have said. And somehow it made sense to her. Why? She didn't know.

Her eyes welled up again and she tried to blink them back, "I don't know if I can."

"If you can't trust me. Can you love me?" He asked in a low voice, along with a deep nervous breath.

If he had thought the day was surreal and weird. It all became far more out-there in the next moment.

Lindsay didn't respond. She grabbed the front of his shirt and crashed her lips onto his.

**TBC.**

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I give ya'll permission to all squeal. LOL. Yes. SO SO unexpected. But hell. I don't care... EEEE. YAY.

I wrote it extra long as an apology for the delay. I'll try not to let it happen like that again. All I can say about this recent delay is it took me awhile to find the angst in me about D/L... even now 318 has me all kiddy. HEHE.

Yes, I know that I lost sight of the plot-line. But whatever. Haha.

If there are mistakes. Go talk to my muse. That is, if you get an answer. (laughs)...oh did I ever tell ya'll that my favorite/lucky number.. is number nine? (grins)

Oh yes...

**PLEASE PLEASE. Review. I know, I am begging. But I am so don't care. I want to know everyone's thoughts!**

Love. Jellybeans. Moo.

x Lila. :)


	10. The Need to Understand

**Disclaimer: **Do I have to remind you? If so, check the millions of times I'm forced to remember I in-fact.. own.. nothing. Nada. Zip. ZERO. (goes off and cries)

**AN:** I apologize greatly for the past 2 odd months I have been, well, I kinda did disappear. Sorry about that. I am back though, and slightly smarter I hope.. since I wrote out-lines for chapters ahead of time rather trying to come up with it on the spot. Which is not so fun.

I think this chapter is horrible since I am not really in the swing of it yet, the break I took was from all of my fanfic writing. So excuse the rustiness of it. ;)

Thank you, each person that took the time to review and tell me their thoughts etc. I love ya'll for being so encouraging with this fic. You all are my inspiration and keep me going. I only read over this twice, once at an early hour of the morning. The other, only quick read through. Sorry if there are any errors here and there.

Read and Review. Makes me happier than you will ever know.

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_...Let's start over._

_I'll try to do it right this time around._

_It's not over._

_'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground._

_This love is killing me,_

_But you're the only one._

_It's not over._

_Taken all I could take,_

_And I cannot wait._

_We're wasting too much time_

_Being strong, holding on._

_Can't let it bring us down._

_My life with you means everything,_

_So I won't give up that easily._

_I'll blow it away, blow it away._

_Can we make this something good?_

_'Cause it's all misunderstood._

_Well, I'll try to do it right this time around._

_Let's start over._

_I'll try to do it right this time around._

_It's not over._

_'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground._

_This love is killing me,_

_But you're the only one._

_It's not over._

_We can't let this get away._

_Let it out, let it out._

_Don't get caught up in yourself._

_Let it out._

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**There's No Going Back**

Chapter 10

**"The Need to Understand."**

It had taken a few seconds for Danny's brain to register the fact Lindsay had kissed him. Before the shock of it actually did and he pulled back... his mouth opened to say something, anything.. what? Well, he figured he could figure that out later - right now. His brain felt sea-sick. If that made any sense, he felt his mind try and grasp onto what had just happened. Lindsay however did know what had just happened.. even if it had been her own impulse decision. But it may have been just that, didn't mean that it didn't confuse her, or more so... scare her. She had made a leap just then; a leap with her heart, and possibly her trust. Glancing up at him she lowered her hands from his chest slowly, letting her fingers trail on the fabric of his shirt before her hands dropped to her sides. Tucking the tear dried hair behind her ears she quietly padded out of the room, right now, no good would come from emotional in-depth and serious talks.. _'I think that's enough talk for now.'_ was the thought she had as she pulled the covers over herself once in bed.

Danny was left standing in the dark room. Instead of Lindsay doing it. Now he found the appeal to it; it was quiet, peaceful, and something about the fact it was Megan's room made it calming. The soft sound of the rain that was trickling down the windows helped in separating him from reality even if for such a short moment. Blinking back the tiredness he felt he gripped his hands onto the windowsill, unclenching them when the knuckles had turned a white color. Just when he thought he had figured everything out... it all got turned upside down and again, he was lost. And all it took was Lindsay. One sentence, one look.. in this case.. one kiss... but it wasn't so much the kiss. It was what the kiss had been a reaction to. _Can you love me?_ he had asked her... then next thing he knew she had kissed him. So either, it was a heat of the moment thing, which he knew it wasn't because of the urgency to it and because of the whole week he had spent with her then the emotional roller-coaster he had been on with her since she woke up - he knew she wouldn't reach out to him like that. No. So that only left one other option.

Rolling his neck he frowned at the cracking noise it gave. He leant back on the nearest wall and through the dark saw a clock sitting on the wall. He knew that if he kept thinking about everything and now just the last ten minutes, it was like he kept fast-forwarding then rewinding then pausing it. He would only overdo it. And the last thing he needed after that. Was to think more of it until he knew just exactly it was to begin with. And that meant what Lindsay had meant by doing it.

That _could_ wait. His problems and his questions were not as important as the fact she had let him in, even if it was just that smallest hint of hope. She was important, and getting her back to being Lindsay. That was what he wanted, and all he was going to think about. Because if she didn't make it, then he wouldn't... and they _both_ needed to stay sane and hold together, otherwise helping Megan would be near impossible. And not just literally, but emotionally. They were her parents... They were her support. With her there or not.

Closing his eyes for just a moment he let his mind drift back into the past. Going over all the times he had thought he had everything figured out. He was sure that he was a ladies man; Lindsay proved otherwise. He was sure his past would always haunt him; helping Lindsay move on from hers changed that. He was sure that for as long as he lived, no one would own him or have an hold of control over him - after a year being around his partner.. when he began to realize that fact, he willingly wanted her to control him.. gave up all his control, he wanted to be owned.. if it meant he was hers, then his ego could bide. For her, he would have done anything. He still would. If she let him. He even was sure that he would never, ever hurt her in any way. Well that nightmare turned out to be true. He did hurt her. More than he probably knew... but was she that much of a strong person, to start forgiving him, or at least move on from it?

"Christ," he muttered under his breath. Lindsay was such a strong person, she was so much better than him. She had let him in inch by inch... he suddenly was overwhelmed by everything, what he had done, what he had missed out on, lost the chance to have. He could have had a family. _His family._ His family with Lindsay. He didn't disprove him, and he didn't think that out of self-pity, he thought it because it was so true it had haunted him for the years he had tried and failed to live without her. She moved on or made the best of what she had left, and here he was coming into her life.. and expecting her to just let him in all over again.. so what? He could do it all over again. How stupid was he, she wouldn't let him in, anywhere near her heart. Not again. So where did he go from here. Would there be any going forward with whatever they had. Or would it be a constant battle that in the end.. he would lose. Because... he didn't have-- _they_ didn't have love.

Did they?

They weren't in love, he thought leaning his head onto the cool glass of the window. He let his breath fog on the window as he felt his stomach knot. He needed to know. He wanted to know. This time. If it went wrong. God. He didn't want to think of how bad it would be the second time. He knew what he had been like, the team's; his family's so to speak comments and concerned looks at him didn't go unnoticed. He knew. Point was that he didn't care. And that was what made it worse.

If she didn't love him. But then. She was the one that kissed him. All through the last week or so, even the last hellish years without her.. even thinking about kissing her was.. well he just never did. He didn't think of anything like that. The day she told him to get out of their apartment... he resigned to the fact he could never think of her in that way again. He didn't have the right. Even after telling his mother about what happened; obviously she had threatened to beat it out of him after the first month of his depression; his love for a girl had drove him into depression, but it hadn't been just any girl. It was his Montana. The country girl he got kicks out of making her blush, just bringing her coffee so she would smile at him.. the Montana smile that would make him melt.. His Montana that finally came undone and let go, telling him all about her past.. she cried and cried until she was de-hydrated and lying in his arms the whole night as he held her, quietly whispering soothing words... his Montana that was there for him when Louie was stupid enough to get caught up in Tanglewood again, _after_ he escaped from it, only escaping death thanks to a coma _they_ put him it. Getting shot was what he had got for his stupidity. His Montana stood by him at the funeral. Later that night letting him kiss her until their lips went numb, giving him that outlet... so he could forget about it and just lose himself in her.

His Montana that would giggle every-time he would drawl out a good-morning in the break-room with a fake country accent. And every-time she would shake her head and tell him he was a dork. In which, without fail - he would reply that he was a cute dork, her dork. Of course someone would interrupt, Hawkes with a chuckle, Stella smirking knowingly (She seemed to always know something. Even if they didn't) Mac with his 'You're doing the opposite of not keeping this in the lab. But I'll pretend I didn't see anything' look, and sometimes.. the times Danny would indeed go bright pink if ever he would.. Flack would walk in and comment on how 'whipped' he was. Then, as became tradition after a few months.. Danny would get back with a 'Shut-up Man.' Followed by a long debate from Flack and Messer... until Stella dragged both their asses back to work. All the while Lindsay just sitting with her coffee as if she hadn't even noticed, the only sign a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth.

His Montana that caused him to stand on Brooklyn Bridge the night he left the apartment and stare out at the New York skyline and give himself time to let the shock wear off and let the tears out, not because of what had happened.. but because of what the consequences of what had happened, the consequences of what he had done, ending up breaking _his_ Montana... the consequences that caused him to lose her.. making the country girl he fell in love with, the only girl he had ever saw spending his life with, no longer his.

And now. Well now. All of what he thought... then... all of what he knew and was sure on. He wasn't now. He wasn't sure if this was a clean slate.. was Lindsay being in that accident and waking up from the coma a second chance for them? Or for her.. was he nothing to do with it... now instead of the constant guilt.. instead of the nagging feeling she hated him, or didn't like him let alone love him. That was replaced with confusion, much like the one he had all along.. except it wasn't about the situations or what he was going to do around her or being here, or Megan. It was about... loving her. He loved her. Well he already figured that out in the beginning, took some days of staring at her in the lab and wishing she would look up and smile at him to figure that out.

No, this time.. it was if he could _actually_ love her.. loving her.. being able to. He was waiting on her. Waiting on her to say something, just let him know where _they_ stood. And until then. He needed to stop. Stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop getting frustrated with himself, feeling guilty, and most of all. He had to stop thinking about the past. If he didn't move on from it. Then how was she going to. They both were going to get through this. He wasn't letting her go. He never was. She was going to be _his_ Montana.

No matter if he had to walk through fire to make her see that.. he was going to fix what he broke.. and if he couldn't. If he couldn't get her to love him, to once again be able to say that he was hers not just she was his... then... he would have to go through the rest of his life alone, it would be hell. But if it was what she wanted. If she wanted it. He wasn't going to argue. Once again... she was in control. But he wouldn't have it any other way. Even if this process took years.. years of him proving himself to her, he never thought he would be a guy to do that, but this was different. It was always different when it involved Lindsay. So... he was willing to let her have his heart this time, if she wanted to break it just so she could get over her own heartbreak.. then he would let her. It never was going to be easy.

He sighed as that thought spun around in his mind. It would be a miracle if anything in his life went easy. He sadly chuckled and headed back to the spare room. All the way thinking one thing. _She has my heart. What she does with it.. is her choice._

Unlike any other time in his life, even the time he had been with her. This time. He had just given himself to her, all of him... just gave it up... his heart, soul, mind... everything, was hers. Because when he had it, when he controlled it. It never went well. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, even now in this struggle and tension between them still... she was still more hope and still meant more to him than anything ever had. One day at a time. One step. One more chance.

He just hoped with every fiber in his being. That this **was** another chance.

When the morning rays broke what sleep Lindsay had gotten she rolled over and stared out of her half open bedroom door and at the hallway. She wondered what Danny thought about, did he still have nightmares like the ones after Louie's funeral. A wash of guilt went over her, flashbacks from what she had last said to him about his brother. She never meant what she said. Whenever they had fought which was hardly ever, since most of the time it was stupid things... she never meant it. When she got angry, when she would snap, she always would say things. Things she couldn't believe after that she had even said them, things that scared her.. the fact she could even say those things. Tears always came straight after when she would realize it. Saying them to Danny would always make her want to crawl up and die, her heart would ache so much. But when she had yelled those things at him that night.. afterward... she didn't feel anything about what she said.

Lying in the bed staring into space she suddenly felt guilty for saying them. Why now. She didn't know that though. Was it because he was there. No. Was it because he had been so, so silently caring toward her ever since she came out of the coma... well... or.. that other option including loving a man she swore that day to never care for in the slightest ever again. He broke her. Even now. But something that scared her more than the unknown of her feelings, was how him being there, just his presence.. it was as if she was healing, the fact Megan was missing, it was devastating.. but yet, him being there with her, she felt the courage to get through it. Why did she feel the sudden need to give him her heart all over again. Was she insane. That was probably the only reason she could manage to come up with that covered all the bases. Grabbing her dressing gown she slipped it on and softly headed to the spare room, looking through the open doorway. Danny had left the door open because of two reasons, he wanted to feel near to her, even by having one less door between them, and he wondered if maybe if she out of the slightest chance needed him.. she would know she could come in.

Lindsay peered her head further in, letting her eyes wonder. Over his blonde hair, that looked a mess, looked more like it was a mess because he had run his hands through it so many times. His chest, rising and falling as he continued to sleep. She smiled slightly, allowing herself to just relax, let her guard down as she gazed at his sleeping form. She had always loved watching him sleep. He looked in the best terms, adorable. She remembered what it used to feel like when things were happy and at ease between them. That was why it had been harder to live through the years without it. That was why her heart broke so damn much. She knew what it was like to love him openly and be loved.

Now she was aware that she still loved him, she didn't say anything to him after the kiss... because it was all so clear to her after it... she had stared at the white ceiling and it hit her. She was still in love with him. She had been afraid of what it was going to be like with him here... but this... she didn't even think of. She sighed and walked to the bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth; busing herself just so she would have something to do other than think of him and everything to do with him in general. She looked at herself in the mirror, a lot like she had in the hospital. She saw the color that had come to her face, she looked noticeably better... the bags under her eyes only faint now. She was pleased about that. She actually managed to get some sleep, she figured coming out of a coma can drain a lot of energy out of you, or was it because of her emotions that were a haywire mess?

She sighed once again, letting all the air out of her lungs before taking a deep breath. She felt better for sure... not happy, not in the mood to make jokes or start saying how wonderful life was. But she was getting slowly back to a Lindsay that at least looked more like a member of the living and less like a corpse that she used to process. She missed her job sometimes, but after she left New York.. she felt like she wasn't just leaving the city, she was leaving her whole life there... Danny especially.. and somehow she lost the will to be a CSI. It just reminded her of him all too much. So instead she started working in a local restaurant, she knew that with her degrees and her skills that the job was not under her so to speak but a waste of her college education. And experience working as a criminal investigator... she knew that. But she chose to come to Philadelphia, start a new life... she hadn't decided on giving up her forensic career until she sat on the bathtub in her hotel room a week later with a pregnancy stick in her hand, the positive sign looking back at her.

She had thought of an abortion... she had thought about it a lot. But in the end she realized that this was something she wasn't going to put behind her, she wasn't going to forget about _this. _No, she decided that this was her fresh start.. this was what she was going to do. And it worked, she hadn't thought about NY or Danny, or her past job... it was as if it was all something she did as someone else. She was happy. Or more like she had buried everything so far down that she was ignoring it... except some nights as Megan grew older Lindsay would lay in the dark remembering small things, her favorite Cafe around the corner from the Lab... what the skyline looked like at night from the empire state building... what it looked like in winter, with the snow. What it felt like to find that piece of evidence that nailed the killer and sent him to a lifetime of thugs for company and prison food. She missed talking to Stella about things... enjoyed it when Mac would amusedly smile at her when she got excited about a case or reconstruction. Hawkes and Sid's bickering about something or another... Adam when he would get all shy when he asked her what flowers to by for a particular rookie cop he admired. Even Flack, he'd become sort of the guy friend to talk to about things, he had helped her when Danny lost Louie. She had missed nearly everything... but she had still gotten up each day and go through the weeks, months, and still put it behind her.. the nighttime's being a day-dream type link to her old memories.. like a story book she would read Megan. She thought of the times in her life there before she would gradually fall asleep.

Lindsay realized the tap was still running and turned it off. She did that sometimes.. went off thinking. She tried not to. But sometimes it felt better to live in her thoughts then deal with the harsh cold reality. Especially now that the reality was so much more worse than she liked to think about. Sometimes she would think of what could have happened, in the end she would end up on the floor with a blanket crying... because it always came back to that it would never happen. Now she wasn't so sure. She was sure she did in-fact have a defect when it came to Danny... here she was... after all of what had happened... and she was willing to give him her heart? Love him after everything? Why was her heart doing this to her. Why couldn't she just... not love him. She stilled for a minute as she begin to wonder.. where was he on everything.. it was obvious he still cared for her, he did come to the hospital when he found out. He had shown no signs that he came here to make himself feel better or that the fact they had a daughter made him feel weird. Nothing. He had been nothing but-- she closed her eyes. He had been nothing but _loving_. He held her as she cried, he held her hand, he apologized, and she was sure it wouldn't be the first time he would apologize... it was written all over him, how much he wanted to prove to her that he loved her. She hadn't seen it clearly until now... it was like everything had clouded over in her mind.. all her thoughts, she fell into a dark cloud of depression, then she fell into his arms.. and suddenly she kissed him, she felt the need to reach out to him, make sure that it was real. Make sure that _he_ was real.

But now what.

She shook her head, going back to her bedroom, she looked in on Danny once more on her way past and grateful he was still sleeping.. with all her thoughts so clear and her feelings so open right now. She didn't need to be around him right now... not yet... she was too open. She wasn't ready to object herself to that vulnerability just yet. Getting dressed she pulled on a jumper and went downstairs and to the kitchen, making some coffee her mood sobered to a calmer less emotional state and she made some toast, sitting down she sipped at her coffee just as Danny came into the room. She saw him try and smile. But it faltered and he avoided her eye-line. She knew why. He thought that she was still placing him with the past... she was it was true.. but now, something had shifted.. now she placed him with her past, and her future. She just didn't know where to go from that to making this wall between them dissolve. She knew she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough.. she was emotionally tired her heart was tired. She needed him to be there... hopefully eventually it would happen on it's own. It would be hard. She knew she could never truly say everything was fine. But she hoped that he would be there and they could work at it... _together_. She was being positive. She needed to be... if she slipped back into her depression, she might do something stupid. And now was not the time for that.

"Morning," Danny half mumbled, quietly sliding into the seat opposite her. Looking down at the table at the plate of toast and coffee mug that sat there. He lifted his head to look at Lindsay, her head was down and she was staring at her plate, tracing her finger around the crumbs. She gave a brief nod in reply. He observed her for a minute, wanting to know how she was feeling, was she worse than she was yesterday, he hoped not.. the thought sent a shiver down his spine. He hated how she had been so dark, so lost, dead, numb... but as she lifted her head and caught his gaze his stomach settled and his nerves subsided as he saw the creamish color she had to her face now.. the black rims still visible under her eyes the only thing left of her gray like coloring and mood yesterday. She didn't look happy. Far from it. But she was calm. He took that as the first true development in what seemed like lifetimes.

They seemed to stare at each-other for a few seconds. The phone in the hall broke the silence of the kitchen and Lindsay looked toward the direction of the ringing. She swallowed and gripped onto the table as she went to stand.. without saying anything Danny got up took ahold of her arm and let her lean onto him as she walked into the hall and to the ringing phone. She took a breath and picked up the phone she felt herself shake but took the strength she could from Danny... even if there was a wall between them... she hoped it was breaking. "Hello."

_"Turn on your television."_

Lindsay's eyes widened. "Who-who is this?"

_"Turn on your television. Channel 6."_

And the phone went dead.

She felt Danny's hand pull her into the living room, he must have hung the phone up. She sat for a minute until Danny bent down to look her in the eye. "Lindsay. Lindsay who was it. What did they say," he asked taking her hand in his. All the color he saw on her face was fading she pointed to to the TV set in the corner.

She closed her eyes. "Channel 6."

Danny looked where she pointed and got an idea of what she was talking about. He made a mental note to call Detective Porter and ask him to track the phone call... getting the house phone bugged would be a good idea as well. Turning the power button on he switched it to channel six, before going back over to Lindsay and sitting down next to her.

_'This morning in a warehouse in Brooklyn, three bodies were found each with a bullet to their skulls, we don't have much information on them other than the identities of the deceased. Sonny Sassone has been confirmed as one of the victims.. the two other men, affiliates of Sassone's... we'll have more for you at a later time... and now we move onto the weather with Jemma-'_

Danny shut it off and turned around to face Lindsay, her eyes were widened and she had both arms wrapped around herself. They had worked out that the man that sent the ransom note and from the case files they had looked over that the man wanted information on Danny regarding what happened to Louie... it came down to he _did_ want information on Sassone... but he also wanted Danny. Lindsay began to shiver, it turned into a shake and Danny had to wrap a blanket over her - he tried to get closer to her to hold her, anything, but he was afraid of her reaction in her state.

"Lindsay. It's okay. We are going to get her back. We sure as hell aren't going to lose it now.. we need to stay sane 'ya hear me. Lindsay," he tried getting her to look at him. It was no use she was zoned out she was looking off aimlessly as she still continued to shake slightly.

"Lindsay. It's okay," he said with concern, his brow furrowing into a frown. He ran a hand through his hair. "Lindsa-" He stopped talking when she stood up. She began to pace and he watched her movements with worry. "It's going to be-"

"It's not going to be OKAY, It's not going to be okay! This maniac wanted you AND Sassone, Danny! With Sassone dead... our little girl... Megan.. my baby... he might! What if... he could. Danny he might kill her.." She threw her hands in the air in anger and frustration. She kept pacing. "You and me know what these people are capable of. They don't care. Everything is not fucking okay. So stop saying it is!" Her voice broke as her voice raised.

Danny didn't blink or react to her swearing, he wasn't shocked by it at all. Instead he was more worried about the panic attack she was having. He walked forward and took ahold of her forearms stopping her from her pacing. She fought his grip briefly before dropping into his arms. "Everything is not okay," she choked into his shoulder.

"Montana, don't give up now. Megan needs you," he placed his hand under her chin. His voice quietened, "I need you."

Her shoulders sagged and she calmed her breathing. "You don't need me."

"Yes I do," he held onto her shoulders, urging her to look at him. When she did his resolve in the problems he was having with himself vanished as he lifted his hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "It **is** going to be okay.."

She opened her mouth but he placed two fingers to it. "If we keep trusting it will. Okay? You gotta trust _me_ on this. We have to trust each-other. Or we have nothing."

Lindsay did nothing but nod, letting him hold her even closer. She felt more and more of the walls crumble as she listened to his heart beat, feel his arms rapped around her tightly. She pulled back and again nodded. "I do trust you," she said barely audible. But he heard it. His eyes lightened as he stared into hers, she let her emotional guard down and stared back, everything around them fell silent, nothing existed. And they wordlessly came to an agreement, they had trust. If anything. They had that. It was a start, it was the beginning to the journey of hard work they had to fix both each-other and whatever relationship they were going to have.

It was an agreement. And it was more than what they had before. That afternoon Danny heard the phone ring again... this time he made Lindsay stay in the living room. He walked over to the phone and answered it quickly not even taking the time to steady himself. This bastard had his daughter.

"What do you want," he snarled into the phone.

_"Easy. Daniel. You had this coming." _ A cold voice barked.

"I had this coming?!" Danny frowned. "What'ya on about?"

_"You should have learnt this by now. You can't run from your past. Hope the death of someone dear to you teaches you that lesson."_ Then once again all that was heard was the dial tone.

He hurried into the living room, Lindsay turned to him just as he pulled her into his arms, resting his head on her shoulder and breathing in the scent of her hair. He didn't know what that phone call meant. He didn't want to tell Lindsay... he didn't want to tell her that, that phone call could have possibly been proof that everything wasn't going to be okay. That the psycho who seemed to know Danny... or else what did he mean. Could kill their daughter.

Lindsay said nothing she just let him hold her. Suddenly something came over Danny. He felt something... something was wrong. He felt it under his skin. Lindsay's face grew curious and she frowned in worry this time. "What-"

"Shh," he whispered letting her out of his arms he felt her hand fall into his.

"Danny what-"

Before she got to finish the sentence the sound of glass shattering came from the living room windows as the sound of bullets being fired collided with it. Danny instinctively threw himself on-top of Lindsay to protect her, shielding her from the flying pieces of glass, and bullets. He covered her ears as the sound of a automatic gun echoed on for a few minutes longer. After it stopped they both lay still. Their breathing the only sound that could be heard other than the odd shard of glass falling off the window frame.

"Are you okay?" Danny looked down at Lindsay, holding her head with both his hands, pushing back the hair from her face. She was quiet. She looked like she was in shock she didn't reply she just dropped her head back and closed her eyes, her breathing shallow. He got up slowly looking out of the now destroyed window and then looked around the equally destroyed living room, bullets imbedded into the walls and furniture. He leant on his knee and stroked Lindsay's cheek gently, "Stay here okay. I'll be right back." He got no response, but he didn't expect any, first her panic attack and now this? She was in shock.

He walked into the hallway and grabbed his coat fishing inside it for his gun, he didn't know really why he had brought it and his badge when he had ran out of his apartment that day, he guessed it was out of habit. Aiming it in front of him he quietly headed outside the front door, clearing the front he made sure whoever had shot at the house was gone, he checked the sides of the house to be sure before walking back inside.

Picking up the phone he informed Detective Porter of what had happened about the phone calls and then about the shooting, Porter told him that he would be right over, Danny asked if it could wait till morning. He told him that Lindsay was visibly shaken and needed the sleep before she could deal with everything again. Porter agreed to it and said he would be over first thing in the morning. Hanging up; Danny let out a breath, putting his weapon back into his coat pocket he went back into the living room and leant down to Lindsay, gently picking her up her lifted her into his arms and carried her upstairs, he felt her hands grab fistfuls of his shirt as she clung onto him, burring herself into his chest.

Neither of them said a word and Danny carried her all the way to her room, lying her down gently on the bed he pulled the covers over her, letting the urge to tuck her hair out of her face win. He let his hand linger on her cheek for a moment before dropping it back to his side. He went to turn to go out when she grabbed his hand, tightening her grip more with each second. He looked down at her and he saw the fright in her eyes as well as the sadness, and something he knew too well. How lonely she felt. He went over to the other side of the bed and got under the covers lying down next to her they both stared up at the ceiling, a calmness to the room coming over them. They lay like that for nearly ten minutes before Danny spoke, breaking the silence.

"Lindsay," he said quietly. Not sure if she was still awake.

"Don't call me that," she replied, he felt her pull the covers closer to herself.

He tried to smirk. But under the circumstances he didn't have it in him. "Montana," he rephrased, letting it roll off his tongue. As soon as he said it some of the tension went. Lindsay stayed quiet but he knew she was still listening to him.

"What happened earlier?" He asked folding his arms behind his head.

Lindsay closed her eyes, she knew he couldn't see her, but she still felt like he could still see her, see all the way into her mind, her heart too. "I..."

"The truth. Please. I need to know. I need to understand why," his voice faded out as he put a hand to his forehead.

He thought while he waited for her to respond, not sure what to think; did he still love her after all this, of course he did. He would be lying if he said any different. He knew that it wasn't going to ever be fixed, but he needed to know, he needed to know that she loved him. And not just from a kiss. He needed to hear her say it. Or at least explain what is going on. He doesn't. He needed her to make sense of everything... like she always did. He was scared still.. would they make it if Megan died... could it still work?

"I still love you."

That was it. That was all he had wanted. All he needed. He let out the longest breath he could and closed his eyes, he felt tears prick in the corners but they were more in relief. He nodded into the darkness. Then everything was still again.

Lindsay hadn't expected herself to let that out like that, she wasn't even sure herself, maybe she was, maybe she just couldn't see it.. so instead her subconscious did it for her. But she just wasn't sure if that was a good thing.. or if that could have ruined everything. The silence that feel between them wasn't helping her line of thoughts. Before her thoughts started to go to more heartbreaking situations Danny rolled over toward her. Propping himself on his forearms her lay over her, looking straight at her, she disappeared for a moment in the blue of his eyes, there was a sparkle to them she wasn't sure she had seen before, it had been there once, but that was so long ago she didn't know if she was seeing things or not. He ran his hand over her cheek and she closed her eyes accepting his touch.

Again... she felt more crumble from the walls between them. Danny watched her eyes open again, he felt at home staring into the brown pools of them. He ran his fingers lightly over her face, her nose, her chin, jaw, and her mouth. The silence enveloped them as they stared at each other. After a pause from Danny he slowly leant down and touched his lips to hers, so gently Lindsay wasn't sure if it happened or not. She let him deepen the kiss and she felt one wall, the wall around her heart dissipate. She slowly ran her hands up his arms and down again, letting them rest on his chest. He let all his emotions go, all the emotions he had held in, finding about her in the accident, seeing her in a coma, the battle with what he had done, everything he felt it disappear. There was only her, he lost himself in the moment with her, pouring all the love he had kept under wraps into the kiss. The kiss was slow, but it was so strong with emotion that after awhile they had to separate for air.

Lindsay looked at him. And it felt like... it felt like she was her again. Lindsay Monroe. She felt alive. She felt whole... her emotions were clear and everything she felt was for him, her focus locked on him... he was her home, she loved him. He held her together when he was falling apart. He made her forget the things that haunted her, even when he couldn't for himself. He was her everything. And now it was like they both knew that they needed each-other. To fill in each-others holes. To fix each-others broken hearts.

Without each-other. They were lost.

Lindsay pulled him to her and held onto him, she had found him, through everything, she had found him. She felt tears come to her eyes, everything was so screwed up and yet he managed to save her. And she gave him her heart for that. All these years later... and he was still was that man that made her call Mac 'Sir' on her first day. He was still the man that let the nickname 'Montana' draw out into a whine when he would get impatient. He was still the man that made her blush with just a single sentence, or word, or smile. He was still the man that had placed a ring under the microscope and told her to have a look at what he found... the same man that got down on one knee in-front of the entire lab and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him because he couldn't live without in his words that day... _'I can't live without you Montana. You're my Montana.'_ He was the man that she couldn't help but love. Even through everything.

Danny rolled onto his back, pulling her with him. He wrapped one arm around her waist, the other under his head as he looked at her. She looked at him and nodded. They were going to get through this. Together. Because apart made no sense to her anymore.

He placed another kiss on her lips, "I _never_ stopped loving you," he said onto her mouth. When she kissed back he felt his heart heal just that little more. He never realized he had missed her just _this_ much. After awhile he had gotten used to the empty numb feeling of hurt... but now... now he realized why he felt alone. He needed her more than anything... he always had.

She curled up into his arms and an unspoken agreement was between them. They were going to fix what ever they could between them. They knew that it wouldn't be able to completely. But even half fixed would do.

"We are going to get Megan back, Linds."

"I hope you're right."

He let out a sigh. "God. I hope so too."

"She's just like you," Lindsay commented as she traced circles on his chest.

"I bet she looks just like you," he replied, as he twirled her curls in his fingers idly.

Lindsay got up out of his arms for a minute and he looked at her, she leant over to the bedside table and got out a small black photo album, flipping through the photos she pulled one out then went back into his arms. Holding up the photo she handed it to him before laying her head on his chest.

Danny stared at the picture and he felt some tears cloud his vision, he smiled slightly. "She's beautiful," he said as he held her closer.

"She's ours."

**TBC**

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Whoa yeah. Another chapter done. Phew. Hope ya'll like it. Let me know your thoughts as always. I _need_ to know what you think. ;)

Next chapter. Is... epilogue.

Yep. We are coming to an end. Sad isn't it. I wasn't planning on ending it. But I feel like it's time. Don't worry. Megan will be found. Promise. Had to fix our broken D/L first. (However. If nearly all of you want me to continue.. I can think of a sequel. I honestly don't mind. I write for you all. So in the end. What you say goes. Or something like that)

So, would be nice if I could hit 100 before I end it. Hint Hint. ;D

My other fic. **Unaware Choices** will be my main project. It's more planned than this, as I wrote all the chapters, check it out, less angsty than this... has more fluff, I've updated that sometime this week.

Love ya'll.

Lila.


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